Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 10
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Virgins Are Immoral

I’m sick of hearing it around campus, “He’s cool … I mean, she/he is a virgin.” These people are so uninformed. Obviously these kinds of ingrates do not realize that virgins are not people, people.

If you have paid any attention to the Whitman Pioneer Website, any article mentioning boobs, sex or poop has always hit the top of the charts. Why? Because that is what our lives revolve around.

Darwin once said, and I’m paraphrasing, “If you’re not bangin’ mad ladies, then you be trifling.” One could even take his argument a step further and say that if you’re still a virgin in this day and age by the age of 12 or 13, you’re not doing your part to participate in society.

It is your duty and obligation to reproduce, and if you don’t … you’re pretty evil. Yes folks, what I’m saying is, being a virgin is a sin.

Let’s state the facts of  our modern-day world: Masturbation is bad for you; that’s why you feel so guilty afterwards. Our Earth is underpopulated and needs more workers. The blonde gene is dying. Lingerie is sexy. If we take all of these into account, the modern male (or female) realizes that to be a human being, we must have sex.

Countless organizations (i.e. the Church) have rallied against sex. They may feed and clothe the poor, but they’re not out in the world doing the important work that everyday people must do, which is bang each others’ brains out.

If you’re still a virgin, then you’re obviously not super hot and probably don’t even have a Twitter (which is ludicrous). Because you’ve chosen a path different from most––and I’m going out a limb here, folks––you’re not a person.

Our culture revolves around sex, and if you don’t participate, that’s cultural (and sexual) suicide for our society. We must unite, and rid the earth of virgins … forever. That’s why WEB is sponsoring a “cuddle muddle”––where we discuss how to get rid of virgins once and for all.

If you’re a virgin, you’re freeloading. You’re not doing your part to populate the earth. Last time I checked, growth is good, and the human race needs to keep populating in order to achieve.

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