This week, reports began flooding in from Capitol Hill regarding an emerging stream of odd behaviors by President Trump. White House staff have reportedly noticed him sitting alone in a room and talking to a small ring in his hand, muttering “my precious… no one can takes my big, beautiful precious.”

That same day, in an interview on the war in Iran, Trump explained his motives, saying “They’re trying to take my precious! The nasty Iranses, no one can take my precious. Right, precious?” He muttered the last part, looking down at the ring on a necklace.

He also explained to the news that ICE is going around in search of “… nasty hobbitses wanting to steal my precious, frankly.” In this same interview, he was asked why he had such a hard time maintaining a constant staff, to which he explained that “everyone is so jealous of me, frankly. They all want my Precious. I have the best precious. This is what they’re saying. They’re all saying they wish they had a precious as good as mine. And that’s, eh, not good.” As of now, neither Trump’s former nor current staff have made comments about wanting his ring.

As his time with the ring goes on, experts have begun to notice the President’s hands bruising and becoming damaged. “Our best guess is it has something to do with his… uh… ‘precious’,” one of Trump’s doctors explained.

Despite his deteriorating health, Trump has begun crawling around on all fours, wearing nothing but a small loincloth. Reports have also come in from the kitchen staff that Trump’s meal requests have “only been live fish for the past two weeks.” The President will excitedly take said fish by the tail and smack it against the table a few times before eating it whole.

These may not be the type of things we want to hear about the person with our nuke codes, but it’s interesting nonetheless, and it seems to only be getting more interesting!