When we hear the phrase “water crisis”, we tend to think of it happening elsewhere and for less absurd reasons. But now, here at Whitman College itself, a water crisis of the most absurd reasoning has come to our attention. It’s not because of a lack of rainwater, it’s not because of weather that’s too hot or cold and it’s definitely not aliens. No, this water crisis lies in the hands of a single student who, for some absolutely ridiculous, indecipherable reason, doesn’t know about sharing.
“I was just very thirsty,” the student-in-question said to reporters after being caught drinking over half of the water from Lakum Duckum — to the annoyance of everyone, especially the ducks. “I still am very thirsty if you wanted to know. Can I keep drinking?”
The resulting shortage of water across campus caused issues for the recently erected junior-senior housing downriver, and likely elsewhere. While long-term water security hasn’t been compromised (fortunately), this student — who we shall call the Great Chugger here on out — remains oblivious to the damage he has, can and possibly will inflict. Had he not been stopped by a crowd of three dozen students with 100 other bystanders, he would have completely drained Lakum Duckum.
Theories have spread between students about who the Great Chugger is, doubting the motive of thirst for this draining. Some believe him to be the Horseman of Fiminne from the Bible, set to starve the world in the time of its end. Some religion majors may suggest that this horseman now inhabits the body of the Great Chugger after his position was replaced by AI data centers. Another theory is that he is imbued with the spirit of Doppelbob Gangerpants, an obscure relative of Spongebob who was reported to have exploded after absorbing all the water in the Krinkly Karb. Perhaps he wants to continue his drinking streak?
Or, maybe he is just THAT thirsty and I am making stuff up to hit the word limit. Who knows? Only the consciousness behind the Great Chugger’s eyes knows the truth, and it thirsts ever more.
