It is with a heavy heart that I regret to inform you that this news piece is not made in any shape or form to elucidate joy.

In times as chaotic as this, we at The Wire strive to highlight some of the good things happening on our campus, or at least offer a chuckle. I, in particular, seek out such tales and knee-slippers as a benevolent distraction to you. But it pains me to report that, musically speaking, Whitman has bungled it. 

This week, a once-in-a-millennium event shook Chism Recital Hall: an unknown student, mid-performance, produced what can only be described as a ‘Sideways Note.’ A Science major, working in the classroom as part of their capstone project, was present to report that they heard it almost better than everyone else. Unfortunately, their attention was not wholly on the situation. 

“I was screwing up on the saxophone so badly, man,” he admitted to our reporters. “So I decided to call it quits for a minute to play Subway Surfer. Then, the note came right at me—I don’t know where or how, I was too locked in. The worst part? It broke my record streak.”

Researchers briefly flocked to Chism, only to be disappointed and find out no one could replicate the Sideways Note. It should be noted that the reward for successfully replicating such a note is currently a Nobel Prize in Physics, $1,000,000, a marble statue and three free pizzas. To let such a reward go to waste would be a truly tragic matter to befall us.

So, if there is one takeaway from this, it is this—do not let the games on your phone distract you from history in the making. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be off playing Silksong. See you next time.