The Wire has continued its due diligent job to bring these peculiar stories to light this year. But none have been as unreal as this story. One may be tempted to call what we have seen a conspiracy, but I would prefer to call it… a Crowspiracy!

Dear reader, the seemingly humble yet curious crows that fly above campus are in truth malefic agents of a shadowy cause. The Wire has uncovered their activities as an elaborate ruse to gain our trust in a battle for supremacy over our minds and bodies!

The evidence comes in reports sent into The Wire of crows on high places, literal and figurative, taking pictures with comically small cameras. Hearing these reports, we quickly sent a team of investigators to figure out just what the heck was going on, and to our horror it was not a mere freshmen prank. We soon saw crows taking pictures and shadowy figures in trench coats asking us for bird seed.

“They looked like they were ruffling around in their coat,” said a student who witnessed similar activities the day after our own encounter. “I swore I even saw a beak or two poke out. I don’t know why I gave in, why I gave them my bag of planters peanuts, but I just felt they were trustworthy. I really need to get off the internet.”

The Wire has continued its investigation into these occurrences and has heard rumors that these corvids may be connected to the strange disappearance of microwavable popcorn in Reid. However, as of Wednesday, these sightings have strangely stopped, probably because of a greater conspiracy happening that you might hear in the next issue of The Wire.

Despite this most strange lull, we must remain vigilant against this shadowy— Wait, give me a moment… OH GOODNESS THEY’RE—!

This is the writer, totally not gagged and feathered. Nothing out of the ordinary is happening. There is no plot to steal your nut and seed supply. All is well. Thank you. Caw.