Have you ever struck out in kickball? Has it ever taken 45 minutes to start a 20-minute game? Have you ever been yelled at by an idiot? Intramural sports can have all sorts of pitfalls and shitballs, and it’s our job to help those affected by bad sportsmanship. Whether you’ve been flicked in the kernels or glommed by some friggin’ beefstrainer, it’s in our best interest to give you the support you need. 

My name is Leaf It-tume and here at Don Task Injury Law, it’s in our financial interest to win you large sums of money for relatively small transgressions. We hold a strong “eye for an eye” approach to intramural sports. If you have suffered a cut or scrape, we will not only win a minimum of $150,000 — we will also relieve an equivalent or larger amount of blood from whoever wronged you. We really put the “ram ur a” in Intramural. Some of our recent cases include Micheal O’Sullivan whose small bruise we awarded $50,000; Tony “Two-toes” Tomatoes, whose assault and battery was let go due to a lack of evidence (fire is so fickle); and OJ Simpson. Although Simpson wasn’t during a Whitman College intramural sports game, we represent athletes and their alleged crimes as well. (We just washed the glove in warm water.) 

In the case of a criminal trial, we can guarantee a biased jury. We also cover property disputes like the case of the New Jersey Loaned Shark.

Unlike United Health it doesn’t matter if you had a previously existing condition, or if you never had one to begin with.

If you’ve been wronged, we can make sure whoever made him a man will meet a made man.

To your health and the lack of theirs, salud.

Our clients are guaranteed satisfaction. And if not, go fuck yourself.