Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 9
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman Security Trades Priuses for Power: Introducing the Lambo Patrol

It was a dark night on Boyer. A student, identified only as CJ, was out tearing up the streets as usual. Hair slicked back, one arm on the wheel, CJ approached the bright red ‘Stop’ sign in his black Dodge Charger. Without a second glance, he rolled over the marked white line, making a mockery of the law as he failed to stop. Time and time again, he had terrorized Boyer doing 25 in a 20 zone with no repercussions; but tonight, that was going to change. 

Out of the corner of WCTS and Clarette’s, a growling yellow silhouette turned the corner and flashed its lights. CJ assumed it was Whitman security with their Prius; he’d have no problem shaking it off. Flooring the pedal, CJ sped off towards downtown. What he didn’t know was that this Prius came with a 769 horsepower V8 with an acceleration of 0-60mph in 2.84 seconds. This Prius … was a Lamborghini Aventador. 

In a bold move that has left students both awe-struck and slightly concerned for their safety, Whitman College security has traded in their fleet of eco-friendly Priuses for something with a little more … vroom. That’s right folks, say hello to the Lambo Patrol. The decision came after a security guard, who wishes to remain anonymous, was overheard saying, “If I have to chase down one more streaker, I at least want to do it in style.” And what’s more stylish than a Lamborghini, the car that says, “I have arrived, and I’m here to ask what you’re smoking?”

But it’s not just about style. “We’ve found that the mere presence of a Lamborghini significantly reduces jaywalking,” says head of campus security. “Students are more than happy to use crosswalks if it means getting a closer look at this beauty. And I don’t get the complaints about cargo space.” I have yet to inform him that no, car go road. 

Of course, not everyone is thrilled about the change. Some students have raised concerns about the environmental impact of trading fuel-efficient cars for gas-guzzling supercars. But security assures us that the Lamborghinis are actually powered by the tears of students who have received parking tickets, making them surprisingly sustainable. “Students like CJ give us a permanent supply of renewable energy!” said the guy with the jacket that said SECURITY.

In the meantime, the Lambo Patrol is turning heads and making sure that Whitman remains the safest, and most stylish, campus in the country. So, if you see a flash of yellow zooming past, don’t be alarmed. It’s just security, making sure that the only thing faster than their response time is their car.

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