Local man wants to settle down and get divorced

Trevor Lewis

In these uncertain times of almost 50% of marriages ending in death, it can be easy for some to lose faith in the sanctity of divorce. Luckily, hope springs eternal. This is especially the case for local fishmonger and ranch dressing enthusiast Rob Fenderman.

Ever since he can remember, Rob has wanted to meet that special someone, start dating, move in together, get married and eventually (provided the time is right) have that marriage implode in a quagmire of misunderstanding, jealousy and pure, searing hatred. However, despite his noble intensions, things have not been easy for this hopeless romantic.

“I just can’t seem to find a woman who is committed enough to share and then split all our belongings in an emotionally and financially costly  divorce,” he said.

Call him a traditionalist, but Rob wants to get divorced the same way his parents did.

“I might be old-fashioned but I just feel like there’s something missing from these newfangled divorces,” he said. “I can still remember the day my mother roused my father from his drunken stupor with a kitchen knife in one hand, legal papers in the other and an insane glare in her eye which said ‘you fucked your secretary’ so loudly that she never had to. That’s what I want for my divorce. Hell, I may even try to do it in the same spot. I’m sentimental like that.”

Social pressures have not been easy for Rob to navigate. Rob admits that he is the last one out of all of his friends and coworkers to get divorced.

“I mean, just the other day while hawking flounder on  the street corner and pounding enough ranch dressing to kill a small water buffalo, I saw a friend who’s been divorced for almost 10 years now,” said Rob. “I could see the soul-crushing weight that an entire decade of alimony and regret had placed upon his now sad, feeble frame and I thought to myself, ‘I want that.'”

Rob, however, is no starry-eyed idealist. He acknowledges that, if he wants to make his divorce work, he’ll have to put in a lot of effort and get a little bit lucky.

“I mean, It’s scary to think that, in the end, fear of being alone might overpower my sheer disgust with every aspect of my wife’s existence, but sometimes those are the risks that you have to take,” he said.