Whitman Wire

Local man wants to settle down and get divorced

Trevor Lewis

April 9, 2015

In these uncertain times of almost 50% of marriages ending in death, it can be easy for some to lose faith in the sanctity of divorce. Luckily, hope springs eternal. This is especially the case for local fishmonger and ranch dressing enthusiast Rob Fenderman. Ever since he can remember, Rob has wanted...

Sun’s March nip-slip: road to naked mile commences

Sun’s March nip-slip: road to naked mile commences

Callie Brown

March 12, 2015

Illustration by Catalina Burch. The sun has once again blessed us with its presence, and like many before us, we have all begun worshipping the sun gods. As Whitties, this means that everyone has already whipped off their shirts and is hanging out on Ankeny Field. The ladies and gents are all preparin...

Poems with Rendrick Heeson

Reed Hendrickson

November 13, 2014

DAILY activities In the middle of the year of the middle age, Of a large bee decided it was his destiny to sit down upon that tree The tree wanted to see what the bee would do so he took a chance and went poo. Where that poo fell stood a beast not much bigger than a priest. But because of all ...

Air travel offers unexpected pleasures

Peter Ramaley

November 6, 2014

I miss flying. Being from Seattle, I always drive to Walla Walla, and so my time in the sky has been severely diminished. I can't help but feel nostalgic for an airplane ride. Once you get past security, the stern-faced TSA agents who valiantly protect our country from tooth paste and baby bottles...

Former Shell CEO to be new Whitman prez

Peter Ramaley

October 30, 2014

In a controversial announcement, Whitman College announced that Ben van Beurden, the Dutch CEO of Shell Oil Company, will be the next president of the college. The end of the presidential search has come after months of shady backroom bar meetings at The Green, along with candidate interrogations and...

The Backpage pontificates

Kyle Seasly

October 30, 2014

Dear Backpage, I feel like a dolphin caught in a six-pack ring. Thank Oceanus I have you guys. Anyway, this girl I'm into acts like I don't even exist. We were partners in Encounters when we discussed Sartre, so I know she at least knows that. What should I do to get her to notice me? Plz halp. Advicereciever69 Dear...

Ultimate Frisbee: A serious sport

Reed Hendrickson

October 23, 2014

The one aspect this country of America really holds above everything else is sports. That's why NASCAR has 75 million fans and no one watches soccer. Football has been America's love since day one except for baseball. It is a different story. Baseball is America's pride and glory. However, at Whitman,...

Townies destabilize vast swaths of Beta’s lands

Trevor Lewis

October 23, 2014

It has been only three months since militant townies first started making an appearance in Beta's sacred lands. However, since that time and because of some lightning-fast tactical raids, the townies have managed to gain control of the gravel pit, the rope swing and Kyle Seasly's guitar. Now, I know...

National Parks makeover: American edition

Peter Ramaley

October 16, 2014

"Experience Your America" is the slogan of the National Park Service.  By that, they mean rolling hills, the purple hues of sunsets, pristine forests, old growth trees and the crisp bite in the air. In reality, it seems like our America has become rolling hills of urban sprawl, the purple hue of yo...

Armed with tank, board of trustees attacks protestors

Kyle Seasly

October 16, 2014

Under cover of darkness, on the bottom floor of a dank and poorly lit parking structure, I met a man who referred to himself only as "Cleveland Steamer." He was an old friend and occasional informant who worked for the federal government and did not like to be called at his office. What he revealed to...

Whitman College wins award for economic homogeny

Trevor Lewis

September 25, 2014

When I discovered Whitman College was ranked first in economic homogeneity out of 91 excellent schools, I was so overcome with elation that I almost spilled cognac all over my ocelot fur robe (that's 100 percent pure Indonesian ocelot, none of that shit from the Philippines). After hearing the good...

Macklemore’s Coming!!!!!

Macklemore’s Coming!!!!!

Tristan Gavin

April 18, 2013

After Allen Stone came to campus, students were left with a lot of questions about the Whitman Events Board (WEB). "Why are we wasting money on ‘blue-eyed soul singers'? Isn't that racist?" asked ColorBlind on Whitman Encounters. After asking the student body what sort of events they would...

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