Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 10
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Local man wants to settle down and get divorced

Trevor Lewis April 9, 2015
In these uncertain times of almost 50% of marriages ending in death, it can be easy for some to lose faith in the sanctity of divorce. Luckily, hope springs eternal. This is especially the case for local fishmonger and ranch dressing enthusiast Rob Fenderman.
Suns March nip-slip: road to naked mile commences

Sun’s March nip-slip: road to naked mile commences

Callie Brown March 12, 2015
What is to blame for this overwhelming amount of skin being shown at such a low temperature? It is barely 60 degrees outside, people! One explanation could be lack of Vitamin D — insert penis joke here. Quite possibly people are thinking of their bodies as solar panels; the more square footage of skin, the more recharged they will get. I think this one can be clearly expressed in the skin vs. skin game of Ultimate Frisbee being played right now — all shirts have been clearly banned. I also think I just saw a naked dude do a backflip! Maybe there’s some truth to this explanation?! Pretty soon we will all have developed so called-superpowers like waking up without coffee. It will be madness.

Poems with Rendrick Heeson

Reed Hendrickson November 13, 2014

DAILY activities In the middle of the year of the middle age, Of a large bee decided it was his destiny to sit down upon that tree The tree wanted to see what the bee would do so he took a chance...

Air travel offers unexpected pleasures

Joseph Wood November 6, 2014
I miss flying. Being from Seattle, I always drive to Walla Walla and so my time in the sky has been severely diminished. I can’t help but feel nostalgic for an airplane ride.

Former Shell CEO to be new Whitman prez

Joseph Wood October 30, 2014
In a controversial announcement, Whitman College announced that Ben van Beurden, the Dutch CEO of the Shell Oil Company, will be the next President of the college. This end of the search has come after months of shady backroom bar meetings at the Green, candidate interrogations and discussions with Grow Your Endowment Executive Search Consultants, the consulting firm hired to assist in the search process. The presidential search as a whole cost the school 70,000 dollars and two of George Bridges’ nine lives. Thus, the college is very excited to finally welcome van Beurden as a Whittie.

The Backpage pontificates

Kyle Seasly October 30, 2014
“Don’t talk about poop when trying to woo a woman. This is day-one stuff, kid.”

Ultimate Frisbee: A serious sport

Reed Hendrickson October 23, 2014
The one aspect this country of America really holds above everything else is sports. That is why soccer is not one of the most watched sports in America and NASCAR has 75 million fans. Football has been America’s love since day one except for baseball. It is a different story. Baseball is America’s pride and glory.

Townies destabilize vast swaths of Beta’s lands

Trevor Lewis October 23, 2014
It has been only three months since militant townies first started making an appearance in Beta’s sacred lands. However, since that time and because of some lightning-fast tactical raids, the townies have managed to gain control of the gravel pit, the rope swing and Kyle Seasly’s guitar. Now, I know what many of you reading at home must be thinking: “Beta is a barren, worthless wasteland. Why should we care?” I was of a similar opinion until I was informed that Beta is one of the leading exporters of PBR, American Spirits, cynicism and many other raw materials upon which Whitman society is built. I traveled to this war-torn region of Whitman Campus on a drunken bender last weekend to analyze the geopolitical landscape further.

National Parks makeover: American edition

Joseph Wood October 16, 2014
“Experience Your America,” is the slogan of the National Park Service. When say that, they mean rolling hills, the purple hues of sunsets, pristine forests old growth trees and the crisp bite in the air that reminds you are glad to be alive. It seems like our America has become rolling hills of urban sprawl, the purple hue of your 2 dollar grape slurpee that should really only cost 25 cents, pristine forests of shelving at home depot, and that glad to be alive feeling you get the next morning after doing edward forty hands and passing out in the Beta bushes. While these things aren’t necessarily bad, National Parks are better.

Armed with tank, board of trustees attacks protestors

Kyle Seasly October 16, 2014
Under cover of darkness, on the bottom floor of a dank and poorly lit parking structure, I met a man who referred to himself only as “Cleveland Steamer.” He was an old friend and sometimes source, who worked for the federal government and did not like to be called at his office. What he revealed to me blew me away.

Whitman College wins award for economic homogeny

Trevor Lewis September 25, 2014
When I discovered Whitman College was ranked first in economic homogeneity out of 91 excellent schools, I was so overcome with elation that I almost spilled cognac all over my ocelot fur robe (that’s 100 percent pure Indonesian ocelot, none of that shit from the Philippines). After hearing the good news, naturally I called my longtime rival in the international yacht derby, close personal friend and Whitman Board of Trustees member John Stanton.
Illustration by Marlee Raible

Macklemore’s Coming!!!!!

Tristan Gavin April 18, 2013
An article where Tristan "Three Unicorn" Gavin reveals that Macklemore will come to campus... yet again.
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