Macklemore’s Coming!!!!!

Tristan Gavin

After Allen Stone came to campus, students were left with a lot of questions about the Whitman Events Board (WEB).

“Why are we wasting money on ‘blue-eyed soul singers’? Isn’t that racist?” asked ColorBlind on Whitman Encounters.

After asking the student body what sort of events they would rather WEB put on, it became clear that the students had a very … distinct vision.

“MACKLEMORE!!!” shouted a group of Kappas.

Other students agreed.

“I don’t care if we have to raise tuition; it’s Macklemore. He’s from Seattle. I have friends from there,” said first-year Cam Srosby.

Srosby, despite not actually being from Seattle, feels like Macklemore’s music really speaks to him.

“‘Thrift Shop’ was definitely probably about me at the ’80s dance. I bought my clothes at a thrift shop,” said Srosby, wearing a Wa-Hi JV Track and Field t-shirt.

WEB has given in to student requests and spent all of its funding, and the Associated Students of Whitman College (ASWC) is contributing, too. The Board of Trustees is also considering selling half of their stocks in oil companies to book Macklemore at Reid Coffeehouse until 2018.

“The students of Whitman should really manage all of Whitman’s money because even though they don’t understand finances, they understand what they want. It’s Macklemore. They want Macklemore,” said trustee Max Wallace.

Macklemore will be coming to Walla Walla in the fall as a new addition to his tour for his new top-selling CD, The Heist.

“I’m totally going to get him to sign my Mariners hat,” said senior Matt Rickulate, who has withdrawn from his last semester to be present for Macklemore’s concert next year.

Illustration by Marlee Raible
Illustration by Marlee Raible

He might need to act fast on getting tickets, because they are selling like hotcakes that give you access to Reid Campus Center’s 30-person venue. Students have already begun camping outside of Reid to get one of the 30 tickets. Although the tickets don’t go on sale, the students are confident that this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

“I have seen Macklemore live, like, eight times. But I have never seen him live in the fall of 2013, right? I’d be crazy not to,” said Stu Pidass, a sophomore bundled up in quilts on the back patio.

Pidass is not alone camping out. There are literally 16 people. Figuratively, there are hundreds. The faces poking from bundles each tell a unique story, like the prospective student who came for Spring Visitors’ Day from his high school in Seattle and heard about the concert on a tour.

Even some faculty members are anxiously awaiting the tickets.

“My wife left me when I said I was going to sleep my way into a concert, but at least I have my job,” said a tenured professor of Italian studies from under a picnic table.

Perhaps the most surprising face, though, was a mop-haired, glasses-wearing, blonde hipster of a man who has taken to playing music for the Hooverville gathered outside the campus center.

“I was unaware Macklemore would be gracing us with his presence. I heard someone say so while I was visiting and I got a contact high. I thought, let’s celebrate tonight, and came back here to play some soulful jams. I can’t wait for Macklemore to come; I can barely sleep in this bed I made. Can’t wait to hear some ‘blonde-haired rap,’ as I like to call it,” said the man.