Senior Duck Not Likely to Receive Diploma

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Molly Johanson

Spring is a time of excitement and renewal. Flowers bloom, people begin ordering their lattes iced and Whitman seniors begin turning their pale faces and screen-strained eyes toward the shining sun of graduation. As many seniors excitedly await leaving Whitman and migrating into the future, one student isn’t looking forward to the change. 

Senior Waddles Muscowitz has been doing everything in his power to avoid graduation at all costs.

“Why would I want to leave when I have everything I ever need here on campus? I have a warm pond, all the food I want, lots of hot chicks to check out …. I’m happy here. Plus, if I don’t leave, getting a bad grade on a test really doesn’t mean anything except more time here,” said Muscowitz.

Muscowitz’s sentiments are not unique. Many of the other ducks on campus are super- or super-super-seniors, extending their tenure here on campus indefinitely. Maintenance Director Walter Willy is worried that Whitman has created an environment that is too comfortable.

“I mean, we do heat the pond and feed them for free. I wish my life was as good as theirs,” said Willy.

In addition, the Whitman administration is hesitant to change its policy on dramatically reduced tuition for ducks because the retention percentages contribute positively to the college’s ratings. However, the comfortable environment doesn’t seem to be pushing the campus ducks to grow and develop. One super-super-senior duck is on his third attempt to finish his senior thesis.

“Yeah, I’m a social science major …. I picked it because I live so close to Maxey and don’t want to walk too far. My adviser just sent back some edits on my thesis draft, and he was impressed I even turned anything because I can’t read or write or type,” said super-super-senior Donald Muddles.

Muscowitz is planning to walk with the rest of his classmates at graduation but will probably not be receiving a diploma. He also forgot to order a cap and gown.

“What is the point? They didn’t come in my size,” said Muscowitz.