Whitman Students Have No Idea What Divestment Even Is

Kyle Seasly

All around campus we see posters: “Go to see this mediocre artist who’s not FIDLAR (who the mutha-fuckin gangsta squad is that?) WEB has brought in! Check out this talk that looks vaguely interesting about birds riding on top of various felines.” Yet, there is still a myriad of confusion that is growing among Whitman students. Joseph Ratzinger, an exchange student from Vatican City, posed the question that many are asking: “Jesus Christ, what the hell is divestment and why should I give a poop?”

Indeed, in a recent survey conducted with a grant from Whitman President George Washington Towers, it turned out that 98 to 99 percent of students not involved with ASWC “don’t really give a shit about divestment.” (It was one of the answers they could click, seriously, folks.)

“Why should I care about modern events? It’s actually probably best if people don’t pay attention to them,” noted Ratzinger.

“I think divestment is an old wooden ship,” noted sophomore Buzz Jacobson, quoting a movie that’s 10 years old, and bringing hilarity to all. “It’s like divestment is a word in Spanish … and I don’t speak Spanish!”

Some senior members of ASWC have even grown cynical.

“I just honestly care more about Beta these days than some big word that’s on some posters and has hearings. How come that word gets hearings? I want other words to get hearings, like ‘octopus’ and ‘crawfish,'” commented junior John Zacharyson, working on his marine biology homework. “Wouldn’t you go to an octopus hearing? I mean, free calamari at the end after we decide it’s a witch, right?”

As this reporter was confused and bemuddled by all the references to old movies, he came to his own conclusion, and sat down and decided to watch “Happy Gilmore.” I noted to myself, “If not caring is cool, then call me Miles Davis.”