Circuit Horoscopes

Elena Aragon

Aries- An unfortunate henna accident will cause people to ask you why they never noticed your skin disorder before.

 

Taurus- When someone confronts you about one of your offensive tweets, you adopt the “if you never offend someone you ain’t tweeting right” philosophy.

 

Gemini- You come to a significant realization next week by noting that the time it takes to lock up your bike from Olin to the science building is longer than it takes to walk over.

 

Cancer- When you forget your swipe on a late-night library trip, you are forced to stand outside the windows and wait until the night librarian finally sees you, a good 25 minutes later.

 

Leo- Your choice to adopt dreads evokes mixed responses, including several people confusing you for T-Pain.

 

Virgo- You develop a newfound passion for satsuma oranges, causing you to eat two bags in one sitting and any room you enter to smell immediately like orange pledge.

 

Libra- A kid in the elementary school that you volunteer in propels you into a midlife crisis by asking you if you’re 35.

 

Scorpio- This week you end up watching a Canadian political mockery TV show, and understand absolutely none of the references.

 

Sagittarius- Although you love Macklemore as an artist, you snap this week when “Thrift Shop” comes on for the 400th time and chuck the bathroom CD player out the window.

 

Capricorn- We all have that friend who obnoxiously starts talking in a foreign language they don’t really know that well––for your friends, it’s you.

 

Aquarius- You find your stint as a Cupid quickly escalating into an acupuncture career after you accidentally shoot an arrow right into the pressure point of someone’s trapezius.

 

Pisces- As your birthday comes up you find yourself identifying more with 2 Chainz than you ever have before.