1. Someone cuts you in line at the dining hall. How do you respond?
a) Walk to the front of the line and explain it is your destiny to have their spot.
b) Chill out. This is but one of many meals.
c) Deny the existence of the line.
d) Tailgate.
2. When you go out on a Friday, you always remember…
a) Lucky rocket-ship underpants.
b) Toga! Toga! Toga!
c) Out? You mean … beyond the door?
d) So many condoms. Like, all the condoms.
3. Your spirit mythical animal is…
a) Bigfoot with a jet-pack.
b) A flying hedgehog.
c) An invisible unicorn.
d) The elusive jackalope.
4. When you die and leave a disgraceful amount of money to Whitman, what will they name in your honor?
a) The Science Building.
b) Walla Walla International Airport.
c) Large Hadron Collider.
d) Renovated Memorial Building. Now with taller clock tower.
5. World’s ending in five minutes. What do you do during the countdown?
a) WHIT. T. phone home.
b) Run in circles.
c) Burn as many buildings as possible.
d) Party like it’s 2012.
Answers:
If you answered mostly A, you are a CHEMPHYSOLOGIST
You know your faith must be the right one because it sounds official and science-y. Common misunderstandings of your religion lead people to accuse you of worshipping Martians, no matter how many times you explain they are actually spiritually enlightened beings from the plane of Beeblebroxus. Work is progressing on the Power Energy Nebula Radial Oscillating Space Engine (PENROSE), but in order to finish construction before the apocalypse, you’ll need to raise the annual stipend which all faithful are required to contribute to ensure their place in Beeblebroxus.
If you answered mostly B, you are a HURRAY TAMPA
As the earth once again tilts away from the sun and Walla Walla prepares for the dark times, you have come to realize the futility of living through seasons. The endless cycles of death and rebirth bore you, and you long to escape into a nirvana of endless summer. To this end, you spend weeks in Walla Walla Airport, wearing your orange bathrobe and flip-flops and trying to scam a ride to Florida. By pursuing this laid-back enlightenment you have at once become truly unpretentious and tolerant, and completely eliminated any possibility of being talked to by prospies.
If you answered mostly C, you are a BORN-AGAIN ATHEIST
You have found the One Truth, and now you’re going to share it the rest of the student body, whether they want to hear it or not. While sitting in church at an ungodly hour last Sunday, you heard a voice directly from your own conscience, and it revealed the doctrine of sleeping in late and waking up only in time for brunch. It is now clear that the purpose of your life is to bring these revelations to the rest of campus and to elect fellow converts to ASWC to outlaw alarms and pass legislation creating a brunch-in-bed delivery service.
If you answered mostly D, you are ON TOP
It can be hard being a believer. People call you conservative, domineering, unoriginal and patriarchal. These are all baseless lies, part of the ongoing campaign of persecution against your people. True, some of the inquisitions held to find heretics have violated Whitman’s privacy regulations and several federal laws, but the church must be kept pure! You take solace in knowing that most students at Whitman will at least experiment with your religion at some point in their college career.
