True Life: I’m the Easter Bunny

Dana Thompson

Unlike Santa, the Easter Bunny’s off-season is not filled with feverish preparations for next year. He’s got to keep himself busy, staying in shape for all that hop-hop-hoppin’. The Pioneer did a little research, and this was his schedule last year: 

MAY 

The cool-down month. Lots of Easy Mac and “30 Rock.”

JUNE 

Signed up for a calligraphy class at the community college. Never went on account of lack of opposable thumbs.

JULY 

Went to 4th of July party. Uncle Sam kept asking if he lays the eggs he delivers. Brings up bad childhood memories.

AUGUST 

Went horseback riding with Sasquatch. Felt weird about it.

SEPTEMBER 

Pulled a muscle working out. Treadmill not made for bunny stride.

OCTOBER 

Dressed up as Peter Cottontail for Halloween: blue t-shirt, no pants.

NOVEMBER 

Redecorated the warren–– sort of a cubist-rococo feel.

DECEMBER 

Got a job as a mall Santa. Too awkward to bring up at the Christmas party at the Clauses’ . . .

JANUARY 

Attempted to change name to E. Sterbun Ni. Sounded classier.

FEBRUARY 

Started thinking about getting back in shape . . . hired personal trainer.

MARCH 

Got a haircut. It looked awful. This would happen just before Easter.