You may be considering staying at Whitman over the next two weeks to “catch up on sleep” or “work on your thesis” or partake in any number of equally lame and pointless activities. If this is the case, gentle reader, attend! We are in southeastern Washington; here, even the staunchest locals dream of escape during the March holiday. As a service to you and your loved ones, the Backpage would like to edify and amuse with a brief discussion of our favorite pleasure spots for the “National Peanut Month School Sabbatical.” For those of you who already have a destination in mind, consider this an appetizer for your imminent vacation. Bon appétit!
Home
Familiar, comfortable, haunted by the dusty aroma of your mother’s terrible cooking. Totally free of nude Cuban paramilitaries, at least since your dad moved out in ’96. Don’t be too sad about having to stay home. The food is free, you get to borrow the car and you know everybody. Well, except that all your friends went abroad for Spring Break. Sorry!
Florida
While visiting your ailing grandparents, it is important to note that the poorer their health, the more time your parents will be obligated to spend attending to them. Freedom! The beauty of Florida’s coastline is only matched by the senility of those that wander her glowing beaches. For your sake, stick to the clubs. Remember: in Miami, every night is Euro-Trash night, so pack accordingly.
New York City
Lured by the attraction of a sensationally out-of-control Julie Taymor vanity project, travelers to New York will be rewarded this spring season. The Big Apple is rightfully considered the capital of the world, and whether you’re wining and dining at incredible restaurants or just roaming Manhattan, you will be in heaven. Unfortunately, you probably won’t be able to afford your plane ticket back. Enjoy your new life of prostitution, crime and drug addiction!
Mexico
Up north, drugs and knife crime. Down south, radiant beaches and slightly less knife crime. The men are beautiful and distant; the women, simmering with passion. You will have a romance, and when you describe it to your future spouse, the little tear in the corner of your eye will eventually lead to your divorce. Unless you go to Cancun, in which case you are scum.
California
For many of you, this place will be “home.” But California is not truly home, not to anyone. California is a mirage.
Ever since America’s first spring breakers struck gold in 1849, the rest of the country has flooded to the golden coast in search of booty (“drunk chicks”). If you’re a Whitman student, California lies at the intersection of economy and style. San Diego offers unparalleled proximity to TJ; Orange County is home to 90,000 Koreans; and in San Francisco, you can be touched up by a homosexual in the Castro for absolutely free. A major upside: as you approach Mexico, you may start to remember what a non-orange tan looks like.
Europe
You are rich. Congratulations! Enjoy your stinky cheese, your Land’s End polos and your specially purchased Fair Trade boater. Now know, gentle traveler, that your “smattering of Italian” will not be enough, and you will end up screaming at a waiter in heavily-accented English, before breaking down and ordering “pizza … margherita” at up to 10 consecutive dinners. Grim.
Portland, Ore.
Solid choice, if you are looking to build up the indie music cred you had before entering the Whitman Bubble. Be sure to take your fixie with you.
Walla Walla, Wash.
Includes the Pasco/Kennewick/Richland area. Beautiful scenery, sensational wine tourism, fine restaurants and inexpensive accommodations. If you stay here, odds are you will end up drinking St. Pauli’s by yourself and listening to Wilco’s “How to Fight Loneliness” on repeat.
