It is an unfortunate fact of life that to get ahead in a career, you have to network. This is unfortunate because if you are anything like me, you cannot imagine anything worse than introducing yourself and making a positive impression on a bunch of strangers.

How are you supposed to make other people like you, and possibly even want to hire you, if you don’t even like yourself? Many people may try to give you advice on how to have a “healthier” self-image, but let’s be realistic here – that’s not going to happen. You just have to bullshit your way through networking without.

The first step is to get the shaking under control; the sweating, too, if you can help it, but that is much harder to do.  Meditation helps, but ketamine helps more. However, for legal reasons, I can’t tell you where to get it.

The next step is to learn how to make a good amount of eye contact without freaking them out or letting them notice your dilated pupils. I suggest practicing by going out to dinner with a friend and seeing how much eye contact you can make before they start to look at you funny. The only downside is that they might think you’re into them, but with some people, that might be a plus!

The third and most difficult part is to remember to say something about yourself that sounds impressive. You may not be able to think of anything, but just remember, it only has to be true if it’s verifiable. 

The fourth step is not to think too hard about it afterward. Every mildly embarrassing or awkward thing you said will probably come back to you afterward. You might lie awake at 2:00 a.m. thinking that they will somehow find a way to know you weren’t actually a regional manager at Blockbuster as a middle schooler. To this, I say just take a shot every time you think about it, and soon you won’t be able to remember the interaction at all!