The obesity epidemic is resolved! At least on our campus, it would seem. An irritating conundrum has turned into a creative solution. While by no means an orthodox method, The Wire has found that the recent residents of North Hall are shedding more weight than their peers. Let me elaborate as to how this came to be.

It is no secret that for many students, there is an extra weight that pulls us down at the gut, slowing us down in our day to day. And while I am not one to fat shame —  it is your body, to do as you wish — I and likely many others would much prefer to not haul around a melon’s worth of fatty tissue. Especially when Cleve’s grill section, our grandiose carb-topia, makes losing it nearly impossible.

For years, there was no clear solution aside from exercise, healthy eating and procrastinating procrastination. But with the unexpected surge of junior and senior students into North Hall after last week’s mad scientist attack, a peculiar phenomenon has occurred. People are actually losing weight now, all thanks to the sheer distance people must walk to get to class. Turning a painful circumstance into an accidental fitness program feels almost poetic.

However, there is a downside that I am sure many students have already experienced – the hazards. Speeding drivers, rogue off-kilter lawn sprinklers, second-hand smoke hazards and rabid squirrels. While for some it may be but another part of their daily exercise, for others they are obstacles which we might be better off without. But with how necessary some of them have made themselves to be, it seems that discarded cigarettes and Juul pods and roaming gangs of squirrels are simply the cost for leaner bodies on our campus.