The Scrotum is a thin layer of skin that protects and contains the testicles. It is also a funny little bag that holds the balls. Whether you have one or you’ve seen one, Big Droopy Dad Scrotum affects everyone.

When’s the last time you saw your father naked? I’m guessing it was a brief and unintentional (I hope) sight of a hideous eldritch god. Seeing your mother naked is also a scary thing, but she grew you for 9 months like a farmers market squash. Your father, however, did not grow and carry you around for 9 months. Instead, he carried you around for 38 years in his testicles and very shortly learned to let go. 

While you would think the weight of you and millions of your siblings weighed down his testicles to the point that they drag ever so slightly out of the side of his boxers on a Sunday morning, this is also not true. The truth is much, much darker. Much like a witch displays her cruelty in her deep wrinkles, your father contains all of his secrets, failed dreams (because of you) and the strain of never expressing his inner emotions in the length of his scrotum. As he continues to get older, these pained feelings weigh down his scrotum until he must tie it off or wear it like a belt.

His penis, on the other hand, is more or less fine until he reaches the age of 54 when it deteriorates into a stale cucumber. If you’ve ever waited too long to make a salad, you’ve caught a glimpse of your future.

Once a father reaches the age of 100, he is then crowned SCROTUS and gets to make one incredibly important Supreme Court Decision that can never be overturned.

When I see an old man tuck himself into his jockstrap at my local pool, I am no longer repulsed. I now gaze longingly at a scrotum so full of wisdom and a life long-lived.