First-year couple staying together

Kyle Seasly

It’s official. First-years Janet “Jannifer” Reno and William “Billiam” Rogers are staying together for the summer of 2015.

“I’m so excited for Jannifer,” exclaimed one friend of Reno’s. “Billiam is such a great guy. I love that ant farm he has in his room. So badass.”

On their scramble, where Reno and Rogers first met, sparks began flying almost immediately. Rogers likened her face to that of a jack jumper queen, a species of ant native to Australia, when they were assigned to make a fire together.

The two also had common interests.

“We were both interested in majoring in pre-law at Whitman before we realized that program didn’t exist,” confessed a uniquely insightful Reno. “So I ended up becoming a physics major who will probably later switch to psychology, and Billiam is biology right now but might end up as an film major.”

“I’m a little worried this commitment might end up like Ingmar Bergman’s ‘Scenes from a Marriage’ –– the television version, mind you –– but for now, I’m still caught up in the bliss of being a freshman at Whitman in spring,” said Rogers.

After their scramble, the two often saw each other around Anderson Hall, but Reno was pretty busy rushing Kappa Alpha Theta, from which she never received a bid. Rogers, on the other hand, mostly stayed in his room, getting his ants adjusted to their new environment and drinking NyQuil every night to get to sleep.

“I’m going to be honest: The ant thing and NyQuil did not help Billiam in my eyes. Neither did his supposed nickname, come to think of it. But I’m glad we are roommates because he just sleeps over in her twin bed, and I can have ladies over here whenever I want,” said Rogers’ roommate, Stan Chadley.

But at the ’80s dance, Rogers drunkenly asked Reno to go into the fountain with him. She was initially skeptical but then acquiesced.

“I was scared that dolphins might be in the fountain for some reason,” said Reno. “I feel like I can hear dolphin noises coming from it all the time. But I knew it was only saying that because the absinthe I stole from my parents was giving me the placebo effect of having hallucinations.”

Indeed, it was a romantic evening that consisted of making out on a bench, only stopping when another freshman couple walked by.

Yet, by spring, their relationship had grown beyond just drunken hookups.

“I’ve put absinthe behind me,” confessed Reno. “Five handles behind me.”

Reliable sources inside Anderson have confirmed that the couple will be staying together throughout the summer.

“Although sometimes ants crawl up my back when we are hooking up, I don’t mind anymore!” exclaimed Reno.