Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 5
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Sweets Facing Unique Allegations

In a recent report from the Ultiworld online website (for those who don’t know, which is presumably a lot, this is the college Ultimate Frisbee website), the Whitman Ultimate Frisbee teams have received some ruff news. They both have been tentatively disqualified from nationals contention.

This news comes as a result of a (un)surprising investigation…: Both teams are made up not of humans, but dogs, dressed up as Whitman students, holding a unique advantage in their own natural sport: running after and catching disks flying through the air.

In a recent statement, the coordinator for the national ultimate divisions shed light on what the investigation uncovered.

“It all started when an opponent of the women’s team came forward with word that one of their players made a ‘bid’ that was, by human standards, unbelievable,” he said. “And when another player complained of their constant ‘barks’ being highly abrasive and annoying, we knew there was something amiss.”

The Pioneer attempted to fetch a statement from the opponent in question.

“She caught it with her mouth… That just isn’t a thing. So not chill,” she said.

When asked to comment further, the disker added that she had to get to practice, and that they were preparing their outfits for the next tournament, by far the most important part of their training regimen.

The men’s team also underwent a investigation, though brief, regarding language, or lack thereof, used in their most recent matches.

“All they knew how to say was ‘urboi.’ They pretty much used that word for any communication on or off the field. It was weird. Is that even English?” said a cutter from the Oregon Ego men’s team.

The investigation uncovered some behind the scenes language training that a Whitman professor was allegedly involved in. The professor, who will remain unnamed, was unable to teach the players much, as disks being thrown on Ankeny by fellow students constantly distracted them.

The repercussions will not hit the men’s team quite as hard as the women’s squad, who is ranked nationally and poised to do well at nationals. Nonetheless, both teams are upset and bewildered at the news.

“Everyone on campus refers to Ultimate as ‘dog-sports’ anyway, so it never really occurred to us that we were doing anything wrong. We’re just out here doing what we do best! No one knew we were barking up the wrong tree,” said men’s team captain Pet’r O’Ruff, in a translation provided by the Whitman professor in question.

Still up in the air, the status of the teams heading into the nationals push will depend on whether the ultimate community deems the infraction an unfair advantage for the Sweets. The latest whisperings from the head office are that the men’s season will not be put on paws.

“Yeah we’ll probably give it to them, because let’s be honest, they’re unlikely at best to make the cut this year. After that Janin guy left, they fell off a bit. Was he a dog too?” said a Pacific Northwest league coordinator.

The women’s team can only wait and hope the Ultimate community cuts them a bit of slack.

“Onion Fest this weekend might be our last chance to showcase our skills if we can’t compete in regionals. We even get to host this year! Do you realize what that means to the Whitman community?! Ok, maybe not. Do you realize what it means to the Ultimate community? Ok, fine; it means a lot to us, and that matters,” said Laurie Zano, a captain on the team.

Leave a Comment
More to Discover

Comments (0)

All Whitman Wire Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *