Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 9
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Ponts joins mascot debate

President Jorge Ponts has shocked the Whitman community last week by coming out in favor of discarding the college’s traditional mascot, the Pioneers” in favor of the Komodo Dragons.

Ponts’ decision was largely influenced by his perception of the current mascot as an inadequate representation of the college’s future and commitment to diversity.

“Diversity is very important to me and the rest of the administration. Obviously, the current mascot of a small pink ape does not reflect well on Whitman. The komodo dragon, besides being a magnificent creature in its own right, much better represents the future of this college,” said Ponts.

Finally, a few students (who have since gone missing) claimed Ponts’ support of a change in the mascot is not the result of a newfound commitment to social justice, but rather due to the alleged fact that he is a space reptile. Ponts strongly denies these claims and suggests any student with concerns visit him for a one-on-one lunch meetings at his office.

Observers were initially shocked by Ponts’ announcement, as it marked the first time in a decade of leadership that Ponts has made a decision that does not involve large amounts of cash being donated to the college, with matching funds sent to his shadowy off-shore bank accounts.

Reports suggest one reason behind Ponts’ change is that he has finally managed to fill the swimming pool beneath Memorial Hall, where the college’s endowment is invested, with hundred dollar bills. The trim physique of college administrators in the last few months suggests there may be some truth to this.

“I’m pretty disappointed in Jorge’s decision. We could have used a jacuzzi, too,” said Juan Pogley, Director of Administrative Athletics.

Analysts suggest changing the mascot may actually save the college money over the long term. Creating the appearance of diversity to attract wealthy white students with the promise of meeting “exotic” peers has been a priority for the college in recent years. A two-million dollar climate study recently commissioned by the college suggests changing the mascot may lead to a net financial gain. Concealing racist attitudes until students have paid tuition could save millions of dollars, which the college currently spends on creating the impression of diversity. Last year, the costs of photo-shopping people of color into Whitman’s recruitment brochures alone reached 700,000 dollars.

“Personally, I’m relieved. A lot of prospies’ parents were getting suspicious that we had so many quintuplets on campus, who all happened to strike the same pose simultaneously,” said Anthony Cabakinski, master of student entrapment.

However, not everyone in the Whitman community responded positively to Ponts’ announcement. A coalition of alumni who graduated before 1955 have issued an open letter to Ponts.

“We are extremely disappointed with President Ponts’s decision. The suggestion that Whitman could change its mascot makes white men with guns feel isolated and unsupported,” said Whit Markman, ’47.

Though Ponts quickly withdrew his support for a new mascot and banned all discussion of the issue on campus, the coalition of  alumni cancelled their contributions to the endowment, and instead used the money to purchase old Soviet weaponry, which was smuggled to the Divestment Liberation Army.

“We are firmly committed to divesting the college from any sense of responsibility for global warming, and I think these T-34 Soviet tanks will really help us accomplish that goal,” said Divestment Commander in Chief Smitty Collins.

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