Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 10
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

News Briefs

Styx takes vacation to visit family at PDX Airport

“I haven’t seen my sisters in years, so I thought I would go for a visit,” said Styx over the phone.

The metal horse is taking a leave of absence from its spot in front of the science building to visit its fellow Deborah Butterfield sculptures that reside outside the Portland airport.

‘Ugghhh,’ says hungover student

Junior Lyle Sealsy had a few too many drinks last Saturday.

“UUUUUUGUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHH,” said Sealsy. 

Senior glares at first-year student 

“I’m just, like, so busy, because I have an Encounters paper and an entire research paper due for paleo next week! I think I’ll pull my first all-nighter,” said first-year Valerie Styles.

Weekend hookup does not text student back

“I really thought that those hours we spent grinding meant something,” said sophomore Jack Russel on a recent Sunday morning.

The two allegedly exchanged phone numbers, and Russel is still awaiting a reply to his text message saying “hey.”

Fifth floor of library discovered

After unsuccessfully searching for a spot to study in the library on a Sunday night, seniors Shelly Seashells and Patty Krabby made a discovery.

“One of the librarians left a door open at the top of the fourth floor stairwell,” said Krabby.

“And, yeah, it, like, led up to an extra floor. Like, who knew that’s where they kept the Croatian poetry. I didn’t!” said Seashells.

The floor, however, was already full of students studying. The two returned home defeated.

Prentiss Dining Hall ‘secret’ menu leaked online 

Early Tuesday morning, the Bon Appétit gossip blog, “BonApp Chat,” released the Prentiss secret menu. Students were eager to try it, but got mixed results.

“The ‘Put a Bird on It,’ where they add chicken, was really great for some of the vegan dishes, but the ‘Spice it Up’ was kind of disappointing. They just added salt and pepper,” said sophomore Kevin Bacon.

Prentiss Dining Hall Manager Dorian Itos released a statement asking students to refrain from ordering the ‘Moist Towelette’ due to sanitation reasons.

Student Has Sex

We have confirmed that senior Mark Freedman had sex. There will be a question-and-answer session at 5:30 p.m. tomorrow in Maxey Auditorium.

Lost: Grasp on reality

In a world without boundaries, I have slipped past the edges of the mind. Dancing on some distant star, I wonder how we have reduced the unspeakable vibration of existence into nouns possessed.  What is joy? What is sorrow? What is love? Baby, don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me. No more.

Nick, I’m Breaking Up with You

I’m sorry, I’ve just been going through a lot of things, and I just can’t be with you right now.  I know it’s hard, but it’s not your fault. I just think it’s better if we are not together. Also, you slept with my roommate.

Woman Available for Date

Female Backpage writer, 5’3″, 1991 model, relatively pleasant (relatively), not passive-aggressive at all, smells vaguely of cinnamon, transmission shoddy. Lunch for two or best offer.

Science Professor Q&A

Q: Can you cook an egg in a washing machine set on “hot”?

A: No.

Whitman College geology majors secede to form own school, threaten to conquer, overtake Frisbee team

Whitman College geology majors have announced their plan to secede from the college and form their own school.  The entrance exam includes a section on beer chugging.  Outsiders fear a threat to conquer and overtake the Frisbee team.

Green Smoothies secret revealed 

Popular Walla Walla vegan restaurant reveals the secrets behind their infamous green smoothies.  Head chef accredits the bold color and flavor to a combination of kale, avocado and $20 bills.

Hos before Bros

In an attempt to restore gender balances, Whitman’s Greek life has resolved to adopt new terminology.  All men’s groups will from here on be referred to as “men’s sororities.”

Timberlake’s new single projected to top charts

Justin Timberlake has announced plans to release a new album fueled by his passion over current political issues.  One leaked track will likely be an upcoming single. “Crimea River” is expected to top charts.

Seniors leave too much granola in library lockers, cause squirrel infestation

As thesis due dates draw near, snacky seniors illegally store more and more granola, dried fruit and tea in their library lockers, leading to hungry hipster squirrels learning how to pick locks, steal food and brew tea.

Starbucks to sponsor seniors in writing theses the day before they are due

The Extreme Thesis-ing Competition begins 24 hours prior to thesis due dates. Spectators may observe the frenzied, caffeine-addled seniors compete from the quiet room balcony.

IM Sports introduces new mud-wrestling league

Due to intense spring showers and lawn damage, Ankeny Field has become Ankeny Mud-Pit. IM athletes make due by developing new sporting opportunities.

Campus wracked with violence as duck and squirrel gangs wreak havoc on Boyer.

The rivalry between the Destruction Ducks and the Sneaky Squirrel gangs reaches its boiling point, resulting in numerous tagging incidents and switchblade fights.

Study Shows Blondes Actually Don’t Have More Fun

“Our preliminary research shows that blondes may actually have less fun than other individuals,” said Social Psychology Professor Catherine Dennings on Tuesday.

Dennings cited severe sunburns as a potential source of blondes’ discomfort. 

Student Fears Buzzfeed Quiz Results Will Impact Her Future

Sophomore Gemma Franklin worries that her Buzzfeed quiz results reflect poorly on her.

“If I were a pizza topping, I’d be anchovies! I always thought I was a pepperoni person,” she said.

Students Literally Confused About How to Use The Word “Literally”

The Whitman English department is concerned that students do not understand the meaning of the word “literally.”

“I feel like it is literally the worst thing ever that everyone’s making such a big deal about this,” said sophomore James Flannery in response.

When questioned about potentially worse things, like death or famine, Flannery had literally no comment.

Man Catcalls Woman, Shocked It Doesn’t Lead to Long-Term Relationship

On Saturday night, first-year Oliver Grimes was blatantly ignored by the woman he catcalled.

“Honestly, I’m still surprised. She wasn’t even that hot, so I thought she’d be flattered,” said Grimes.

Sources say that Grimes is still waiting for the woman to thank him.

Sale Totally Ruined For Woman when She Discovers Clothing Made In Sweatshop

While shopping at Walmart, Walla Walla resident Elizabeth Craiden could not fully enjoy her five dollar t-shirt when she realized it was handcrafted by an impoverished Romanian child.

“I’m conflicted because on the one hand this was made in a sweatshop, but on the other hand, this is such a good deal. Plus I love the message on the front: ‘Freedom for all!’ It’s just really inspiring,” said Craiden.

Sources say that Craiden purchased the t-shirt, but she made up for it by donating the money she saved to UNICEF.

Student Declares Biology Major

Sophomore Emily Smith from Portland has officially declared a biology major.

“I’m one of four students in my genetics class, and organic chemistry isn’t much bigger,” said Smith. “But I’m looking forward to lots of personal attention, since it’s such a tiny major.”

Whitman Curling Team Wins Big

Having won the Washington State Competition, Whitman College’s well-respected curling team is headed to the National Conference of Curling.

“Well, obviously we have a huge fan base here at Whitman, so it’s been great to have all that support. And we gave up our entire winter break to train, so I’d be pretty upset if it hadn’t paid off like it did,” said captain junior Ben Williams.

Student Trusts B—- in Apartment 23

Last week, first-year Lizzie Nielsen made the fatal mistake of opening up to her roommate, first-year Sarah Golita. The two live together in Jewett’s secret 23rd apartment.

“[Golita] told me a lot of her roommate’s secrets,” said first-year Molly Chen, who lives next to the pair in Jewett’s secret 22nd apartment. “I can’t believe Lizzie trusted that b—-.”

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