17 Percent of Students Too Drunk to Take Survey

Lachlan Johnson

Whitman’s annual student lifestyle survey has revealed that 17 percent of students have too many drinks on the average weekend to fill out the questionnaire.

Administered by the Whitman Office of Propaganda in Penrose Library between 11 p.m. and midnight last Friday, March 22, the lifestyle survey is used by the college to gather statistics for admissions pamphlets and motivational posters. This year’s results showed that on the average weekend, 30 percent of students have no drinks, 30 percent have one to three drinks, 23 percent have four to five drinks and 17 percent simply cease to exist.

“I can’t really remember much from that night other than that I had 14 shots of vodka in my room. I was planning on taking the survey on my way to the frats, but I woke up in the morning floating in Lakum Duckum,” said first-year Handrew Mildman. “I thought I just hadn’t made it to the library. I’d never have guessed I actually disappeared!”

Since his metaphysical experience, Mildman has embraced his non-being and vowed to experiment with recreating the phenomenon several times a week. However, other students have found it more difficult to accept their condition. The student health center has become overrun with students experiencing existential crises and failures of confidence because they’re struggling to come to terms with the survey’s results.

“Surveys are hard. All the words kept moving, it wasn’t fair. Now no one will like me because I didn’t take the survey. They’re all going to judge me for this. You’re judging right now, aren’t you?” said junior Jane Doe. “Do I exist right now? Am I a Whitman student? I don’t feel comfortable at this school anymore. They made it clear that I’m not wanted.”

While the Whitman administration denies that students who do not exist are unwanted, several changes to campus have been made to ensure Whitman is the best it can be. On the morning before the survey, students in Jewett Hall were confused by the presence of a brick wall on the staircase between the first and third floors. While some residents mistakenly claimed that there used to be another floor between the first and the third, senior resident Lian Brewis assured them they were mistaken.

“It was a strange decision for the architects to make,” said Brewis. “But I think if you look through Whitman’s records, you’ll find that there is not, nor has there ever been, a second floor to Jewett. Any screams or cries for help are simply the building settling in its foundations, and should be ignored.”

Other recent improvements to campus include the installation of new razor-wired fences around the fraternities to ensure greater privacy and protection and the addition of a one-way field trip to Ittoqqortoormiit, Greenland as part of the curriculum of alcohol awareness classes mandated to students who have to go to the health center due to alcohol poisoning.

“What we’re doing is best for everyone. By making Whitman more appealing, we will receive more applications and can be more selective with admissions, until we have crafted the perfect student body,” said Propaganda Chairman Truth Lordwell. “When Whitman benefits, we all benefit. We should all do our part to help make this college great.”