ASWC Debates Student Phi

Kyle Seasly

“I’m pretty confused,” were the first words out of senior Phi Phan’s mouth in an exclusive Skype via satellite in high-def 20 bit per second streamed through youtube interview with the Backpage, when he was informed that ASWC was “debating him.” “Is this some type of sick joke? The people who wear ASWC t-shirts are annoying enough, but now they’re ‘debating’ me! They owe me $14. I think…”

“Well we’ve simply got to debate something. And we were typing random letters into People Search and this guy came up. Should we raise him as our own? Or should we let him become the Mogli [Jungle Book Reference? Check.] of Whitman College?” responded Bayvon “Bullseye” Koorezian to Phan’s complaints.

Indeed, it seemed there was little point to the debate of the student Phi. According to Backpage fact-checkers and the New York Times, Phan was already at least 21 years old. Once again ASWC was just a way for Whitman College administrators to gather all the power-hungry Type-A students into one room and make them debate pointless issues. One Backpage reporter had this to say: “Nice work. Keep those annoying kids off the streets!”

Many Whitman students even admitted that they don’t even vote for ASWC senators out of pure hatred. Some even have  four to five drinks on a typical weekend night because “those assholes are in charge of our money,” charged an asshole, a member of the anti-ASWC division of ASWC.

“Anyone whose hobby is student government and not drinking is probably pretty fucked up,” admitted a drunken, disgraced, defeated (and humiliatingly alliterated) former senator at the Green.

Phan apparently confronted Cougarzehain for “debating” him at an “ASWC Townhall Meeting” that no one showed up to … except for Phan. “Stop debating me!” complained Phan. “But what else can we do? No one is following GOASWC on Twitter! #lame! #sorryimnotsorry #ASWCrulez” responded CougarsareattackingUzbekatstan, his name getting more and more misspelled. “So this is what you guys do,” asked Phi, ” is simply debate random issues that no one really cares about?” The President of ASWC simply responded, “Bullseye,” then went back to debating whether or not 3/4ths of the urinals should be no flush on campus, or just 2/3rds.