Confessions Pt. 3

Tristan Gavin


Last week, first-year Joel Felan finally cracked the code that has had scholars perplexed for centuries. During a regular Monday in his Encounters class in Maxey Hall, Felan found the answer to the book “Confessions.”

“I always thought literature was about individual interpretation and perspective, but Joel just got on a roll and it soon became clear that he was right and all other interpretations prior to his must have been wrong,” reported an enamored classmate through tears.

“I’m still not entirely convinced Augustine didn’t base it off of the Usher song,” said another student.

When asked about how he managed to derive a singular meaning from one of the world’s most read texts, Felan replied, “I was just celebrating Initiative 502 passing when it hit me like a ton of bricks hitting me.”

Felan’s professor, Jane Kim, has spent the last week frantically calling everyone in the literary community to tell them of the immense achievement. The discovery, which he likened to the discovery of the Snuggie, is already making a splash in the academic world. “We professionals only make educated guesses at the intentions of the author, which we back with subjective evidence. I have been teaching the text for years, but [Felan] just figured it out, plain and simple.”

Professor Kim, humbled by the experience, sent the students home early that fateful day, having nothing else to teach them. “Usually I just ask vague guiding questions to get them to talk until I can leave, but I never expected to actually get a viable answer.”

Felan, who has a C+ in the course, spent the next week putting his solution to the complex text into an essay. Despite dealing with TKE blasting the music of Top Gun and the perils of CLEo, Felan managed to get it in before the deadline.  He received a B- on the essay, however, because he made several mistakes in punctuation and grammar and was “a bit vague” with his conclusion.

Although his grade may not be benefiting from the discovery, the literary community has, and is abuzz with the news. Felan is being regarded as a hero, something the Whitman administration is worried about.

“We don’t want students to feel like they have to live up to Felan,” stated Anthony Tabasco, dean of students.

In the last week, many students have tried, and failed, to achieve similar levels of success. BBMB major Chris Derkins attempted to find a cure for cancer and ended up rendering an entire population of field mice infertile while also burning a hole through two stories of the Hall of Science. Music major David Fluting tried to hit a note so high that it would shatter lead, only to get stuck in G6 for two weeks. Math student Kevin Duh wound up in the health center after trying to divide by zero. We still have no clue what gender studies majors actually do.