47 percent

Tristan Gavin

Bayvon Kehroozian is Whitman College’s ASWC president–– for the time being, at least. After some loose lips led to a major slip-up at an alumni donor banquet, the junior’s regards for the interest of the school’s population have been put into question.

Much of Whitman’s student body was appalled when they saw YouTube videos of their president denouncing 47 percent of the campus. While addressing the alumni, Kehroozian made comments about the 47 percent of students receiving scholarships that forced a collective cringe from most of the school’s population.

“Like, 47 percent of students here are just leeches, sucking the life out of this school, leaving nothing but a barren carcass filled with fat, undeserving leeches. It makes me want to vomit just thinking about it,” asserted Kehroozian subtly.

Kehroozian, who argued that the quotation was taken out of context, was also recorded saying, “We studied leeches in biology once, and they are actually super cute. The comparison is, frankly, super offensive to leeches.”

A major source of the uproar surrounding the quotations arises from the fact that many of the scholarships do not even reflect need, but were awarded due to excellence in academics and arts. Kehroozian responded by rolling his eyes and stating, “Students feel super entitled to, like, everything. They want affordable education and positive reinforcement. Whatever.”

Kehroozian refused to release his financial aid information from the last two years to The Pioneer, but reports from his freshman year found that he only paid for 14 percent of his education.

In order to save face, the president consulted his cabinet, which is made of teak wood and filled with canned food in anticipation of our impending doom come December, yet still strung together more coherent sentences than Clint Eastwood at the Republican National Convention.

Kehroozian came away from the consultation with a plethora of ideas to change his image. For starters, he has proposed a five-point meal plan, which has answered none of the student body’s questions except for whether their president can count to five. “He can,” said Schmidty Jammerson, mildly impressed.

The president has since decided to begin slandering George Bridges in order to paint himself in a better light. Kehroozian cited Bridges’ inability to solve the national debt and job crisis and made up data to support his argument. Not only were his statistics fabricated, but also even used made-up numbers like “thirty-twelve percent loss of revenue” and “twenty-double-thousand unemployed.”

For now Kehroozian remains in office, but his chances of reelection are slipping as his approval rate dropped below 21-teen percent.