GOP vice presidential nominee tests positive for PEDs

Tristan Gavin

In a surprising turn of events, Mitt Romney’s running mate Paul Ryan has been suspended from four debates, two fundraising events and his biannual goat milking meet-and-greet in his home state of Wisconsin. Further, he has been stripped of his marathon completion certificates and all of the medals he never won. The punishments come following a positive drug test by the politician following his speech in Tampa for the Republican National Convention. Ryan tested positive for high levels of testosterone as well as large quantities of a hormone secreted by pregnant house cats. The motives behind the latter are yet to be determined.

Senator Ryan has been praised for his fitness. He is said to train using the P90X program. Between sips of a protein shake after a recent debate, Ryan pointed to his clean past.

“I never tested positive when I was playing football for the University of Miami Hurricanes in college,” Ryan said in an impromptu interview with The Pioneer. School files show that Ryan attended Miami University in Ohio, where he did not play football, but did attend several of the home games.

The U.S. government has a strict drug testing policy that has been trying to keep Capitol Hill clean for the last couple of decades after a growing level of competition and lack of a formal penal system led to the debasement of America’s political structure.

If Ryan regrets his abuse of testosterone-raising drugs, he does not show it.

“I am better off now than I was four years ago,” he said in an interview. When pressed further for the source of his drugs, he simply said, “We built it.”

Further investigation unveiled that the drug was, in fact, contrived by the Republican Party under the false assumption that running for president involved an actual footrace.