Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 9
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Valentines Missed Connections

Edyn Parsell
Illustration by Edyn Parsell

Have you ever held prolonged charged eye contact while waiting at the Grill? Made charming and witty banter in the Post Office line? At a school this small, Missed Connections are somewhat superfluous … and yet The Wire received the following messages to be published for yearners from each corner of campus to find their crush.  


To: smitten studier

From: Penrose poet

I was immediately taken by your bravery (you weren’t wearing any shoes). I know you kept looking at me on purpose, not just because you look around the room while you write essays. You couldn’t say anything (quiet room) but your gaze told me so much. Tuesdays from 7-10 p.m.? Yeah, I’ll be there … 


To: balance beam champion

From: underdeveloped inner ears

I can’t help but admire how you race across the Sobriety bridge like a delicate gazelle, a nimble sprite, a lithe fox. Where are you going and can I come with you???   


To: BA.2 Boytoy

From: you know who 

Even though it was literally years ago, I still think about our time together in Marcus House. No masks between us … and I don’t just mean our KN95s. You know the real me …


To: class crush!!

From: three seats behind you 

To the girl with curly black hair in our Sociology of the Musicological Industrial Complex class … you are always saying the most insightful things about, like, music and the imperial institution of the genre. What’s your spotify?!?


To: the Stanton parker

From: a subaru outback owner

NOT a missed connection, I know exactly who you are, I just want to put you on blast. DO NOT park your compact car in a NON COMPACT spot. The rest of us regular size car owners have to park in a small spot and then getting in and out of my car becomes a Brandy Melville modeling competition. Your greed is a nasty, nasty thing. 


Think there’s a chance one of these is about you? Write to The Wire with your response and potential proof (if applicable) and we will connect you to your lover, or help you get a restraining order, whichever feels right.  

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