Foot fetishists urge public to make carbon footprint as large as possible

Ann Karneus, Toe Sucker

Last week, Foot Fetishists United (FFU) issued a controversial press release stating that they are in support of climate change. 

“While overwhelming scientific evidence shows that the planet is warming, we actually see this as a positive footstep in the right direction. We urge the public to reconsider their stance on the matter, and encourage them to see the benefits that a growing carbon footprint will have for the foot fetishist community,” said Bryan Martell, who is the President of FFU and has been an outspoken foot fetishist for nearly four decades. 

Since the statement went viral on Twitter last Wednesday, considerable outcry has mounted.

Passionate climate change advocate Leonardo Dicaprio tweeted, “Absolutely disgusting. It’s one thing to be sexually attracted to feet and deny climate change in the privacy of your home, but to explicitly endorse both for your own political gains is gruesome. Shame on you, foot fetishists.” 

Other foot fetishists are also condemning the decision, saying that while they still want to see feet, they are alarmed by the implications of FFU’s stance. 

“This is not the same foot fetishist community that I joined nearly ten years ago. Like most political movements, FFU has become increasingly radicalized in their efforts to gain foot fetishist acceptance, and I no longer condone their efforts. #toesuckersagainsttyranny,” read one appeal, which was tweeted by @stinkyfe3t.

Despite this pushback, Foot Fetishists United is not wavering in their decision. 

“When we first heard that ‘carbon footprint’ had been coined to describe the worsening conditions of the planet, we were horrified. By associating the damages of the climate crisis with growing feet – a beautiful, positive thing – we knew that it would only mean more bullying and marginalization by normies. But by resignifying this term and standing in solidarity with the carbon footprint, we stay true to our mission statement,” Martell said.  

FFU’s headquarters in the city of Foot of Ten, Pennsylvania, has already begun investing in fossil fuels, such as the coal and oil industries.  

“We can’t wait to see the giant, sweaty footprint that will swell out of this change, and thank our toe-sucking supporters for all their help in actualizing this pursuit,” concluded Martell.