School district meets standard quota of one creepy teacher

Ann Karneus, Recovering Candy Crush Addict

Late last week, Barry Crendshaw was selected by the Fairfield, Iowa, school board to fill the highly anticipated creep-in-residence position. 

As a cultural and institutional staple of the American education system, the presence of one creepy teacher per school district has been celebrated for generations. And while the policy has begun to fall out of favor in some states, towns like Fairfield are holding fast to tradition. The eccentric 44-year-old was chosen out of three accomplished finalists and will begin teaching Language Arts at Fairfield Junior High School this coming fall. 

Beloved School Board Director Brad Michaels weighed in on the subject, saying, “We get that Barry was an unconventional choice; I know that we’re getting a lot of heat for not going the old fashioned route and just picking a gym teacher, but these are frankly unconventional times. Ultimately we’re confident in our decision and truly believe that he will penetrate seamlessly into our tight-knit community.”

While Crendshaw’s credentials may appear lackluster to some, he literally shone during the interview process by always looking moist/sweaty, wearing tight pants that subtly pronounced his junk and enthusiastically agreeing to be an assistant coach for the JV girl’s cross country team. Upon accepting the prestigious position, Barry humbly stated that “teaching adolescents, specifically from 12-14 years of age, is my passion.” 

He also posted an open letter to parents and community members on Facebook last Sunday, promising them that he would diligently toe the line between problematic and vaguely predatory. His list of guidelines can be found under the mission statement on the middle school website. One of the most poignant excerpts is quoted below: 

“I will only accidentally play the porn I was watching during lunch (on my school-issued computer) on the overhead projector once a semester. Furthermore, I vow that I will only ‘Super Like’ your children on Tinder after they have definitively reached the age of consent.”

As Crendshaw eagerly prepares for the school year, he dutifully reminds students to remember the summer reading assignment and pick up a copy of “Lolita” from the bookstore before they run out. But he good-naturedly adds not to worry if they don’t — he has plenty of used copies.