Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 10
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Ultimate promoted to varsity status

After many years of contemplation, Club Sports Director Skip Molitor and Athletics Director Dean Snider have decided to promote Ultimate Frisbee to a varsity sport, effective immediately.

The two gentlemen expressed many reasons for the promotion, including pressure from the administration’s higher-ups after an internal investigation revealed an illegal redistribution of Ultimate’s funding.

“Our first priority is always pre-existing varsity sports,” said Snider, who was found guilty of funneling Frisbee money to the baseball team, which was subsequently used to buy a large number of wins. “Ultimate was already nationally ranked, and baseball needed just a little bit of help to break .500. To use my favorite sports idiom, no harm, no foul, right?”IMG_0901

Upon hearing the good news, the party captains immediately planned a celebratory kegger and consequently, the destruction of the Treehouse. The team notes that it will continue to practice while slightly buzzed Friday afternoons on Ankeny Field and gravely hungover on Saturday mornings. However, they will cut the gym regiment implemented earlier this season.

“The conditioning we did was all a ploy to get Skip to let us into Sherwood,” admitted one women’s team captain. “We figured that the student body would complain to him if 40 girls showed up at BFFC every afternoon and hogged all of the mirror space while lifting five-pound dumbbells.”

While most players showed unparalleled enthusiasm for the promotion, one concerned individual asked if he could continue to wear ridiculous costumes and sport his signature hairstyle, instead of the school-issued matching uniforms.

“While it’s great that we are finally being recognized on campus, we don’t want to lose the ‘Ur boi’ atmosphere that tricks talented first-year athletes to quit soccer or lacrosse and join our forces,” said Heed Rendrickson, a crossover athlete himself.

The girls squad was also excited for the promotion, but for slightly different reasons.

“Now that we’re a varsity sport, we don’t have to pretend like anyone can come and try out at fall semester throwing practices,” said one cutter. “This isn’t a [expletive] IM sport where you can just put on your brightest spandex and run around in circles barking for the disc like a [expletive] dog.”

“I don’t know if you’ve heard, but some of us –– O.K., just one of us –– plays on the Junior National team in the summer,” she added. “I just wanted to mention that again.”

The promotion to varsity status will certainly add to the pressure faced by both teams. The first order of business will be to hire a full-time coach, so Ultimate alumni can quit bumming around Portland while occasionally showing up at tournaments. The Athletic Department hopes that by implementing these changes, the women’s team will finally be able to accomplish one of its loftiest goals.

“We don’t give a rat’s ass about national titles,” said Molitor. “We just want to stick it to UW and prove that we aren’t some Eastern Washington nobodies.”

NOTE: After discovering that the men’s Ultimate program was far from a national ranking, President George Bridges passed an executive order that will demote the team back to club status.

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