Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 10
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

ASWC to pass resolution protesting imprisonment

Nearly a week after being deposed by the forces of Divestment in a bloodless coup, ASWC Senate will vote tonight on a resolution condemning the student government-in-exile’s imprisonment in Memorial Hall.

ASWC has been locked in their Senate meeting room on the second floor of Memorial Hall since early Saturday.  Sophomore Hana Duppi, ASWC’s sustainability coordinator and a Divest Whitman member, has served as a liaison between the two groups during the coup.

“It’s been kind of weird, you know, imprisoning my colleagues for days on end,” Duppi told the Pioneer.  “Still, I’m pretty proud of the work these two groups have accomplished.  ASWC’s been completely carbon-neutral all week!”

“It’s actually not so bad,” said sophomore senator Thurgood Arwitz.  “We’ve been able to get a lot of legislating done without distractions like schoolwork, food, sleep and showering.”

The products of that legislating session have primarily dealt with the coup. ASWC spent its first twenty hours of imprisonment on a resolution requesting that its rations be changed from organic, vegan granola twice a day to “something approaching a human diet,” and the next day yielded a plea to the Trustees to either remove the Divestment Liberation Army from campus or accede to their demands.

Trustee Brian McMoneybags, when asked about the resolution, expressed confusion.  “That was last week? I thought they were still talking about the last Divestment stunt,” McMoneybags said, referring to a 1986 incident in which members of Divest South Africa “imprisoned” themselves in solidarity with Nelson Mandela.  “This is news to me.”

ASWC also passed motions simultaneously supporting president Jorge Ponts’ suggestion of a komodo dragon to replace the missionaries as Whitman’s mascot and inquiring into the possibility that he might be a lizard person from outer space (SEE PAGE X).  This was followed by 46-hour debate on whether to “compel” or “impel” Divestment to release the Senate from captivity.

“I think we really got it figured out this time,” Arwitz said.  “I believe it really speaks to the willpower of ASWC that we spent this time hammering out one of our most contentious and lasting issues.”

Divestment Commander-in-Chief Smitty Collins has said that ASWC’s imprisonment is meant to be a temporary measure.

“We’re really just figuring out what to do with ASWC right now,” Collins said.  “Hopefully, when our new carbon-free, granola-powered student government is ready to roll, we’ll have some places for them.  Until then, they will remain in Memorial until every one of them has fulfilled all of their campaign promises. I’m looking at you, Katiana ‘Free Puppies’ Taylor.”

Student opinion is divided on the imprisonment of ASWC.  As with many aspects of the Divestment coup, the conversion of the senate chamber into a holding cell has been met largely with confusion and hesitance.

“This is an absolute outrage,” first-year Ann Duncan said.  “Our elected-unopposed representatives are entitled to at least as much respect as the Trustees give them.”

“Divestment locked ASWC up?” senior Brian Senser said.  “I figured they had just gotten a head start on next year’s budget.”

While outcry among the student population has lent force to ASWC’s proposed resolution, Collins says he isn’t concerned.

“I mean, if you lock ASWC in their council room for long enough, they’re going to start legislating,” Collins said.  “I’ve seen enough of these resolutions to know how they go.”

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