Wednesday, April 2: President Obama and Russian Prime Minister Putin came to an agreement over the tense Ukraine conflict this morning. Obama decided he was cool with Putin taking Crimea if the United States could have the other half of it.
Putin quickly agreed, gave Obama a high five and said: “Now you’re a man, a man, man, man.”
Ukraine reportedly voted on the process, and 99 percent voted for the United States’s annexation of the second half of Ukraine.
“It was really quite an overwhelming majority,” said Obama, as he stuffed what looked like marked up ballots into a trashcan.
“Putin and I are really just good buddies doing what’s best for us and the world. We’re America, they are Russia, so no one can really tell us not to do whatever we want. China asked for a piece of Ukraine, but that would violate international laws,” said Obama.
Thursday, April 3: A hurricane swept through southern California yesterday, a phenomenon that’s literally never happened before and never should happen. Despite the fact that the hurricane smelled like gasoline and had traces of glowing radiation in the rain, the U.S. government denied that the strange weather was due to global warming.
“Traces of radiation and nuclear waste do not mean that this was a man-made disaster. Yeah, there was like trash and burning gasoline floating in the clouds above, but this is a perfectly natural disaster,” said Hugh Jazz, the president of the United States Environmental Protection Agency.
Weather experts said that nuclear-tinged hurricanes in California should literally never happen.
“This is because of global warming. It’s completely our fault,” said a really smart scientist who went to Harvard.
“I don’t know what he’s talking about,” said President Obama.
“This stuff just happens, you know,” said the President of BP Oil. “Humans have nothing to do with it. Probably.”
Thursday, April 3: Washington, following its recent tradition of being extremely liberal and progressive, recently legalized the drug known as ‘Molly,’ or ecstasy. The decision came after Governor Jay Inslee reportedly went to a “sweet rave” two nights ago.
“I just think it’s a great idea to legalize Molly! Trust me, I have a really, really good feeling about this. It’ll be good for the economy, good for the lower classes, good for the upper classes and great for Washington,” he said, grinning from ear to ear and jumping around excitedly.
Chief medical advisors in the state said they weren’t convinced that this was the best move for Washington. When asked two days later, however, they said they had tried the drug and were utterly convinced it would be a “fucking incredible” idea to legalize it.
