We Demand Compensation!

Melina Hughes

Illustration by MaryAnne Bowen

We, the writers of The Backpage, demand proper compensation for our hilarity. For years our comedic genius has been taken for granted, but no more! We demand recompense. To supplement our monetary compensation, here is a list of ways you can repay us:

  • Hot beverages: including but not limited to tea, coffee and cocoa from the Colville Street Patisserie
  • TKE abs (and/or T Gavs)
  • Half-finished knitting projects, but only if they’re good
  • Dark chocolate, fair trade, organic, 75% cacao with sea salt
  • Lightly used copies of “Harry Potter”
  • Kittens
  • Nordic sweaters hand-knit by grandmothers (not necessarily your grandmother)
  • Honeycrisp apples with a diameter no less than three inches and no more than 4.5 inches
  • Pony-riding lessons with Rim Teed
  • French fries: curly or waffle but not regular-shaped
  • Sparkly tiaras
  • Boyfriends
  • Miniature horses wearing miniature hats
  • Highlighters in pink, green or orange but no yellow because we already have too many
  • Trees and benches dedicated in our honor so long as the trees are maple and the benches are wood
  • Cooked fusilli pasta with vodka sauce and your choice of cheese
  • Adult beverages
  • Carrier pigeons
  • First-born children
  • Well-imagined cardboard box spaceships, planes, trains or automobiles
  • Boas: snake or feather variety acceptable
  • Glow-in-the-dark stars
  • Larger than life-sized bronze statues of the Backpage writers triumphantly astride miniature horses
  • Pudding pops
  • Vanilla yogurt, carrots, mushrooms, a can of tomato sauce, long-grain rice and a loaf of sourdough bread (I just don’t feel like going grocery shopping this week)
  • More episodes of “Firefly” or “Don’t Trust the B—- in Apartment 23”
  • Formal thank you notes hand-written in calligraphy delivered by chanting Gregorian monks
  • Hugs