We, the writers of The Backpage, demand proper compensation for our hilarity. For years our comedic genius has been taken for granted, but no more! We demand recompense. To supplement our monetary compensation, here is a list of ways you can repay us:
Hot beverages: including but not limited to tea, coffee and cocoa from the Colville Street Patisserie
TKE abs (and/or T Gavs)
Half-finished knitting projects, but only if they’re good
Dark chocolate, fair trade, organic, 75% cacao with sea salt
Lightly used copies of “Harry Potter”
Kittens
Nordic sweaters hand-knit by grandmothers (not necessarily your grandmother)
Honeycrisp apples with a diameter no less than three inches and no more than 4.5 inches
Pony-riding lessons with Rim Teed
French fries: curly or waffle but not regular-shaped
Sparkly tiaras
Boyfriends
Miniature horses wearing miniature hats
Highlighters in pink, green or orange but no yellow because we already have too many
Trees and benches dedicated in our honor so long as the trees are maple and the benches are wood
Cooked fusilli pasta with vodka sauce and your choice of cheese
Adult beverages
Carrier pigeons
First-born children
Well-imagined cardboard box spaceships, planes, trains or automobiles
Boas: snake or feather variety acceptable
Glow-in-the-dark stars
Larger than life-sized bronze statues of the Backpage writers triumphantly astride miniature horses
Pudding pops
Vanilla yogurt, carrots, mushrooms, a can of tomato sauce, long-grain rice and a loaf of sourdough bread (I just don’t feel like going grocery shopping this week)
More episodes of “Firefly” or “Don’t Trust the B—- in Apartment 23”
Formal thank you notes hand-written in calligraphy delivered by chanting Gregorian monks
Hugs