Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 10
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Tale of Wolfman College

backpage.lund.wolfmancollege.issue8
Illustration by Kels Lund

It was a gorgeous 65 degree fall day, a light, crisp breeze ruffling the leaves under the golden autumn sun. A lovely day by all accounts, but that was the day the wolves came to Whitman College…

It started slowly, first a wolf was seen smoking behind Olin Hall, a second and third standing in the sandwich line at Prentiss Dining Hall, a fourth making a quick dash across Isaacs, running into the wilds of the TKE basement. But as the day grew late, and the sun dropped quickly down, the rest of the wolves came.

No one knows why the wolves came to campus, or just where it was they came from, but came they did. Enraged by our trespassing on their territory, the wolves prowled the campus: They chased and bit any first-year trying to make it on time to Encounters, they ate all the soft serve in Jewett Dining Hall, they all posed for their student IDs after paying their ASWC funds and gained swipe access to all the dorms.

Slowly, though, the wolves came not just to occupy and terrorize the campus, but run the very school itself. First they began filling out the Bon App request forms. Seeing how they were the only ones to do so, the dining halls soon began serving squirrel and raw rabbit meat. They petitioned the President’s Office for funds to run a series of lectures, films and discussions for Wolf Awareness Month, addressing all the issues that occur with being a wolf –– like the tastiness of first-years, the BETAs encroaching on their squirrel hunting and the number of flying objects on Ankeny Field they wanted to chase: lacrosse balls, Frisbees, footballs, more first-years. They got a wolf senator elected to ASWC, and then successfully performed a coup, impeaching Rim Teed, ASWC president, for lack of fur and placing one of their own at the head of the Appetizing Students of Wolfman College. Unfortunately, they ate the remaining senators.

After taking charge of the student governing body, they set their wolfy eyes on the administration. Their only goal: win over Jorge Watercrossings. This was a task, however, easily accomplished by supplying him with a number of wolf-themed bow ties.

Having taken over, every night is a full moon under the glow of the Memorial clock tower. The wolves have successfully established a regime of fur and fear, ruling over the few remaining students at Wolfman College. But mostly, the wolves have come to Wolfman College to gain a strong, unpretentious liberal arts education.

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