Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 4
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Police Inaction Leads to Destruction of the Condemned House

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The Walla Walla Police Department decided to implement a new strategy with the parties at Condemned: Do nothing.

“Because parties are nearly every weekend, we thought to try to let the party manage itself this time. Even students get tired eventually, and maybe the draw of the party would lessen if it was completely available,” said Chief of Police Bott Scieber.

The non-themed party started on Saturday, March 23. This Is a Cake Cover Band played. The floor slumped underneath the weight of all the people, no doubt breaking fire code, as usual.

Smoke began to fill the hallways, and partygoers say that by 1 a.m. the visibility was around five feet, maybe six. Later, the house was still packed and the party could be heard from Anderson Hall.

By 2 a.m. This Is a Kinks Cover Band was playing.

Partygoers arrived with one coat and left with another. According to one partygoer, it became so routine that a homemade “Leave a coat; take a coat” sign was written on a piece of notebook paper and taped up by the coat pile.

The inside of Condemned was littered with empty cans of PBR and Natty Light and a few Old English 40s. The lawn was strewn with cigarette butts and the empty boxes of American Spirits they originated from.

Guests arrived wearing face paint, neon, tails and cat t-shirts while carrying strange pipes and unrecognizable musical instruments. Witnesses say it was like Burning Man, but with much less faux fur.

This Is a Beatles Cover Band played as the sun rose. The party did not stop. By that time the floor had actually broken in some places, exposing the basement. Guests fell into the basement, and those without injuries continued the party there.

Finally the cops came.

“We admit it was the wrong move. However, we will not apologize for our attempt. At that point the party was an actual safety hazard, and it is our duty to protect the citizens of this fine city,” said Scieber.

Neighbors claim the song “Thrift Shop” by Macklemore played a total of 35 times, approximately once per hour. Some say the house was actually emitting smoke from cracks in the wood paneling, and when the doors opened, a cloud would follow.

“The herb could be smelled from two blocks away,” said neighbor Rudolph Davenport.

It is not likely that Condemned will be hosting any parties in the near future, since the house currently has no floor. In fact, the repair bill has now overtaken the value of the house itself.

Residents of Condemned say they will start taking up a collection to fund the house’s construction needs. If you feel compelled to donate, any member of the house will gladly receive your contribution. If the funding fails to collect the money needed, Condemned will be no more.

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