Whitman Wire

Is that the Hamburglar I just saw?

Is that the Hamburglar I just saw?

Anthony Reale, Dishwasher Enthusiast

November 6, 2018


Filed under Humor, I Didn't Bother to Pick My Category

Students living in Prentiss Hall were shocked to see a form climbing up the Memorial clocktower on Sunday night.  Assuming that it was some sort of ASWC Apology Tour stunt, most students shook their heads and returned to banging their heads against their $600,000 textbooks in an attempt to learn through ...

Worst Fear Realized: My boyfriend broke up with me the day before Halloween so now we can’t do the couples costume we were planning

Worst Fear Realized: My boyfriend broke up with me the day before Halloween so now we can’t do the couples costume we were planning

Ann Karneus, Corn on the Throb

November 1, 2018


Filed under Humor

Hey y’all: just so you know, Halloween is officially cancelled this year. I might as well pull the fire alarm in TKE this weekend because if I can’t have fun, then no one can. This whole nightmare started when I cheated on my boyfriend last week. I felt like super bad and stuff but was gonna wait...

Senior Accidentally Schedules Job Interview for Halloween; Forgets; Has to go dressed as Sexy Benjamin Button

Anneliese Ellingboe, Black Market Pumpkin Salesperson

November 1, 2018


Filed under Humor

Xerxes Fullerton III presumed Halloween 2018 would be just like every other year. He was a man on his way: senior thesis nearly finished, a salaried job with a trusted bank all but secured, unparalleled costume for October 31. The morning of Halloween, everything was going as planned. Fullerton III woke ...

Professor Asks Student Basic Questions About Last Night’s Reading

Maude Lustig, Bitch With A W

November 1, 2018


Filed under Humor

“Can you summarize this article for all of us?” A chill runs down my spine at the very thought of those words. A sweat breaks out upon my brow. I look up for inspiration, down in desperation and left and right for information--all for naught. Noticing my hesitation, the professor rephrases the que...

Mortified vegan accidentally swallows a gnat

CJ Fritz, Kitten Critic

November 1, 2018


Filed under Humor

Carmen Allen stares out the climbing gym window, casting her forlorn gaze across Alder Street as she relives the tragic moment. She fiddles anxiously with a carabiner. As Allen recalls, it was 3:45 p.m. on Sunday when she left her house, named The Carrot Crevice, for a jog. Dressed in running san...

Mom spends night in Jewett

Maddie Ott, Crab-on-the-Cob

November 1, 2018


Filed under Humor

The moment has arrived. The dreaded question of the weekend. She, the mother, squares her shoulders and looks deep into her 18-year-old son’s eyes. Without hesitation she asks, “and where shall I sleep tonight Cody? I am fine sleeping on the floor, but I am also comfortable sharing the bed with you.” ...

I fart too big & no one is nice about it

Ashlyn Quintus, Candy Corn Guzzler

October 31, 2018


Filed under Humor

My deepest fear, a re-occurring nightmare in fact, is being somewhere public with many or few people around me when I let out a horrible toot. A big honker. A whizzpopper so stinky, so loud and obvious it can't be covered by the classic squeaky shoe gimmick or smelt it dealt blame game. No doubt am I t...

What’s Worse: Walking in on Your Teacher in the Bathroom or Having Them Walk in on You?

Ann Karneus, Mean

October 25, 2018


Filed under Humor

Hey folks: while this week’s article may seem like a laughing matter, it is not. Those out there who are easily embarrassed: read at your own risk. I’m breaking down the question at hand because it’s something I have been personally agonizing and losing sleep over for the past few weeks. Allow...

Big Toenail Shows No Signs of Giving Up

Big Toenail Shows No Signs of Giving Up

Maude Lustig, Foot Fetishist Fetishist

October 25, 2018


Filed under Humor

Lifelong Walla Walla resident Ralph Macchiato has certainly “nailed it...” when it comes to growing toenails that is. Hahaha. It has been 207 days since Mr. Macchiato has trimmed his toenails, and he claims that he is loving his new clipper-free existence. “It’s just one less thing I have to worr...

Whitman Boy’s Wealth Exposed over Parent’s Weekend

Annelise Ellingboe, Lobster Taunter

October 25, 2018


Filed under Humor

Junior Josh Collins had skillfully hidden his family’s wealth until Parents Weekend, but was outed as a secret rich kid as he left brunch with his parents. Josh was spotted by some of his peers stepping out of Bread Co with his Patagonia-clad father and mother dripping in lululemon and Kate Spade. Jo...

Zumba Club Arrested Over Ritual Sacrifice Allegations

Zumba Club Arrested Over Ritual Sacrifice Allegations

Anthony Reale, Dumpster City's No. 1 Food Critic

October 25, 2018


Filed under Humor

Last Tuesday, 34 sweatband-clad Zumba dancers were cuffed and booked at the downtown branch of the Walla Walla Police Department.  The dancers smiled the whole time, laughing about the various posters on the walls that have been up since 1964. It was such a joyous, raucous group that any passerby could h...

Help, It’s My First Rodeo!

Maude Lustig, Front-Facing Cowgirl

October 22, 2018


Filed under Humor

Oh boy, I am screwed. I mean, it’s the day before the big rodeo and I have absolutely NO idea what I’m doing! Everyone says that the first rodeo is the hardest and I’m completely out of my depths here! Like...do I bring a gun? People bring guns to rodeos, right? For the gunfights? And the la...

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