First Year Feels Is Reminded That They Are an Actual Child When They Have to Get Their Wisdom Teeth Removed
Maddie Ott, Rotten Tooth
April 18, 2019
They thought their time in the diaper was over. After spending a solid seven months parading about campus drinking alcohol on the weekends, and washing their own clothing, they thought that they had escaped the grasps of childhood. However, little did they know that the clutches of being an infant had...
Seniors succumb to sophomore severity
Anthony Reale, Tender Loin
April 11, 2019
After the third corpse of a senior Whitman student was brought into the Health Center last week, Health Center Director Clothestha Wound declared a state of emergency for campus. According to Wound, seniors who walked by the lawn were so startled by the concentration of underclass students that the...
Couple’s success attributed to Disney fetish
Ann Karneus, Robot Scent
April 10, 2019
For some, childhood never stops. And while cynics may dub this as an unhealthy coping mechanism for dealing with the crushing realities of adulthood, quirky Iowa natives Cassidy and Dylan Fletcher make it work. Their secret? Still being obsessed with all things Disney. When I entered their modest...
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Maddie Ott, Supreme Eggwich
April 9, 2019
Some say we are icons, some say we are bound to become famous, some say we are just normal people with big egos. Nonetheless, you have probably heard of us. As one of the most underfunded clubs on Whitman campus, Varsity Nordic Improv team scurries around, sometimes speaking the English language, sometimes...
ASL translator accused of gang activity
CJ Fritz, Soggy Toast
April 9, 2019
The National Muffin Tin Enthusiasts Convention got off to a rocky start when the organizing committee of the convention was embroiled in controversy. The convention, hosted in Bemidji, Minnesota, decided this year that they wanted to make muffin tins more accessible to all enthusiasts. The organizing...
Administration Thrilled to Start Extermination After Squirrel Finally Bites and Kills Student
Maddie Ott, Rejected Craisin
April 7, 2019
Spring is here! It is time to kill the squirrels. There is no better time to start a murdering rampage than the ripe month of April. With a deep sigh of relief Kathy Murray and Juli Dunn saddled up their horses, cocked their guns and wandered off into the forest of Ankeny field. With looks of passionate...
New couple not as cute as they think
CJ Fritz, Inventor of the Toe Ring
April 7, 2019
New couple on campus Gus and Tammy have taken Whitman by storm…or so they thought. The couple took up together while they were both being treated for strep throat at the health center last week. A new survey taken of literally everyone shows that 99% of Whitman students don’t think Gus and Tamm...
BREAKING: Out of jail for now, Whitman College CFO walks free
Anthony Reale, Chronic Spatula
April 7, 2019
Whitman College CFO Harvey McCrunchdanumbaz was released from Walla Walla Maximum Security Jail and Pizza Hut on Tuesday, after narrowly avoiding a life sentence for the beheadings of multiple students and their campus pets. According to several eyewitness testimonies, the case was a class-action lawsuit...
Brave Whittie eats as many rocks as he possibly can during climbing trip over spring break
Anthony Reale, Infrequent Rock Toucher
April 3, 2019
As spring break ground to a close, the student body began making their way back to Whitman College. However, before Mario McRocksaclimb could begin his return journey from “Red Rocks” — a McDonald’s PlayPlace that many Whitman climbers frequent in the city of Predictable, Colorado — he faced a dilemma...
Fans outraged as Stuart Little cast in live-action Ratatouille
CJ Fritz, Stale Lollipop
April 3, 2019
When news broke in June 2018 that the greatest film of all time, "Ratatouille," was going to be remade as a live-action film, the world rejoiced. In response to the announcement, a record number of babies named Remy and Linguine have been born this March. The live-action film was well on its way to ...
The Oracle Speaks
Maddie Ott, Flavor Scientist at Dorito Labs
April 3, 2019
As one does, I was having a nice stroll across Ankeny, basking in the fresh 45-degree weather, and listening to trap music on my headphones. I felt confident good, the wind blew my hair in such a way that I felt like a singer onstage or like a wild horse racing across the open West. However, as I wa...
DMV Eye-Spy games propel Conspicious Tie-Dye T-Shirt Clad Man to fame
Ann Karneus, Grandma-at-Large
March 27, 2019
Man of the hour Roger Turnble unwittingly became the center of attention earlier this week when he made the last minute decision to go to the DMV wearing his signature multi-colored Grateful Dead t-shirt. Little did he know that this zany, pit stained shirt would actually catapult him into the position...
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