My fellow Whitties,
In the days following spring break, change will be in the air. Clocks across the country will have sprung forward, sparking a projected 17 percent increase in yawning. Some students will throw modesty to the wind and bare their shoulders in broad daylight. There may even be faint signs of life at the sand volleyball courts.
But none of these changes will be nearly as striking or revolutionary as the one which I today have the honor of announcing. After spring break, effective immediately, all paper copies of The Whitman Wire will be printed on that tenaciously durable staple of on-campus dining, Cleve napkins. [Applause]
We at The Wire were once burdened with excess print copies nearly every week. They cluttered the production room, filled storage to the brim, and weighed down our cool wall-clinging tables to the point of collapse. Our only recourse was emailing whoever we could think of who might be into papier-mache.
Those days are over. Soon, our humble paper will be flying off the shelves and leaving ink stains on students’ mouths from Cafe to Comfort. [Applause] And what’s more, the copies will now be brown instead of white, which we all know is a healthier and more nutritious shade of paper. It’s like rice.
Given the brilliance of this solution, you may be wondering why The Wire has not made this giant leap for treekind sooner. This I will proceed to explain. For decades, the Wire has been guided by a holographic inscription on the wall behind the closet instructing us to forever uphold the journalistic pillars of Truth, Concision and Advocacy. We hold this holograph sacred, and clean it of dust and other contamination every seven full moons. During the most recent cleaning, an eagle-eyed PA noticed that the word appearing to be “advocacy” was in fact “absorbency.” We tested our newsprint in a puddle of pond water and it failed dismally, dissolving and sinking as fast as our spirits. Swift action had to be taken.
The environmental benefit, while initially an afterthought, is nonetheless worthy of celebration and … what?
[hushed whispering behind covered microphones]
My fellow Whitties, a team of experts has just determined that the word thought to be “absorbency” was in fact “obscurity.” In efforts to decrease readership, we will henceforth be printing all our articles backwards, so you have to hold the newsnapkins up to a mirror to read them. To reduce online relevance, we will also be leaking all our stories to other, more credible publications. Thank you all for your time.
