Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 3
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Creative basket-free ways to transport your laundry

There are many reasons to be missing a laundry basket. Maybe it got carried off in a storm. Maybe it grew legs and walked away. Maybe you got confused by the giant “LAUNDRY” lettering on the side and ran the basket itself through the wash, ruining it. Whatever the provenance of your problem, I provide three pragmatic protocols primed to present proof of practicality.

Strategy 1: the Human Ultramannequin

This one is elegantly simple. Rather than wasting your time yearning for unavailable receptacles, put each item of clothing on as you remove it from the dryer, and return to the safety of your room attired consequently. Pants may need to be tied around limbs, tourniquet-style, and underwear should be slung over elbows. Accentuate the look with a sombrero, which will confound passersby who might otherwise catch on to your basketless situation, and whose curved brim can serve as a seatbelt for your socks. To simplify, you can also stuff rolled items of clothing into a voluminous waist-cinching raincoat, but purists consider this to be in bad taste.

Strategy 2: the Factory Recall

This one is best suited for people with a gift for the stage. First, send out an email to your dorm notifying them that a dryer has malfunctioned and will need to be removed. Next, disguise yourself as a dryer removal technician, maneuver the dryer containing your laundry onto a cart, and wheel the whole shebang back to your room. (Acquisition of the aforementioned cart is left as an exercise for the reader.) A note on the first step: this works best if you are an RA or other individual people are used to receiving emails from. If not, you may need to crank up the bravado and/or add a “Dryer Maintenance Liaison” line to your automatic signature.

Strategy 3: the Rapunzel Reverse Rappel

This one is unfortunately inapplicable for people living at ground level. First, tie your laundry articles together to form a makeshift rope, then head outside and loft it through your window. Have your roommate tie the thrown end to a bedpost, then climb up the side of the building, reeling in the rope once inside. (If your roommate is absent or untrustworthy, tie a heavy object such as an anchor to rope’s end before flinging). Yes, you could take the stairs up instead of climbing, but that would leave precious moments during which your laundry would be exposed to purloining by kleptomaniacal vagabonds.

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