Study shows that everyone actually is judging you, specifically

Ian Lewis, not replaced by thirty garden gnomes

After weeks of careful analysis, polling and investigative journalism, The Wire can now confirm that you, the reader of this article, are being judged by everybody.

For years, you’ve been under the impression that, despite your worries about collective judgment, generally people did not pay that much attention to you and didn’t care what you were doing. Now, that belief has been completely disproven using the scientific method. Whether it was that time you took too long ordering or when you made eye contact with a stranger, everybody noticed what you did and judged you for it.

“We’re really proud of the work we did — this is a major breakthrough,” said Horace Rocquelin, chief of the Institute of You Studies and one of the thousands of people constantly judging you. “It turns out that every time you’ve been concerned about someone evaluating you as a person from some minor act, we have been. In addition, the figures prove that everybody remembers you doing them, no matter how small.”

While you may perceive some degree of unfairness in the way you’re being understood, the report confirms that the main cause of people judging you has mainly been because of things that have been fully in your control and are entirely your fault. 

Beyond its main conclusions, the study also managed to tackle a number of other questions about you, including that your taste in media is bad and people will dislike you for it. They also found that if you try to do something out of your comfort zone, you are going to fail and people will look down on you for it.

When asked about future aims of the Institute of You Studies after this, Dr. Rocquelin stated that they were beginning an investigation into whether everybody secretly hates you.