Well Auntie Lee, I’ve got it. No amount of Emergen-C has been able to fix it. I’ve been out of commission since the weekend and really need to get back to the grind. How can I cure my Frat Flu?

Ah-choo,

Saturday night Sniffler

First off, abstinence is the only 100% sure way to prevent the illness. Don’t want the Frat Flu? Flee the frats! Your second best option is to wear protection, like a mask or a Weezer t-shirt. But if it’s too late and you need a plan B, I’ve got you covered with these remedies, made foolproof just for you all, cough, cough. (That was a figurative cough, not a literal one.)

Crystals. Generally used to ward off evil spirits and bad vibes, but did you know how useful they are when it comes to getting rid of your cold? It doesn’t matter which ones you choose, as long as you wear them to your next fraternity adventure and constantly inform people about what each one is and is supposed to do. You’ll ward off any obnoxious cishet frat rushers, keeping excess germs away and your sanity intact. 

Exorcism. Holy water has become an essential in my Frat Flu fighting toolbelt. Replacing all of your other drinks with this stuff can help flush out the evil. I’ve learned that heating it and stirring in other healing elements like honey or lemon can quicken your results. 

Lucid dreaming. Sometimes you need to part from this physical realm to combat the East Isaacs Avenue Ickies. Dreaming of yourself fist-fighting a cartoonish virus villain does wonders for the sniffles. Keeping up a consistent lucid dreaming schedule will have you feeling better and better day after day. Eight or nine hours each night is ideal for battling Frat Flu. 

Stick to these simple solutions and you’ll kick the Phi Infection in no time! 

Get well soon,

Auntie Lee