The internet cried out on the Sept. 23 2021, when Nintendo announced that Chris Pratt would be the starring voice in the Super Mario Bros movie. There is obviously one major problem with this casting: Chris Pratt is white, and Mario is Italian. 

When it comes to choosing a new voice actor for Mr. Mario Mario, Nintendo’s mascot and famously-sweaty Italian plumber, there are four main schools of thought. Yes, just like Levi-Strauss and Freud, there are different approaches to this motherfucking problem. 

The first school of thought is Martinism. Charles Martinet is the voice actor for Mario in the video games, and many believe that Mario just isn’t himself without him. But as you may have realized, Martinism sounds very similar to Mccarthyism, and Mario wears red, so casting him would clearly summon Marx’s ghost to destroy America.

Devitism is the belief that the Trash Man himself, Danny DeVito is the obvious choice to play Mario. DeVito is of Italian descent, short, wide, and full of the rage necessary to defeat Jack Black’s bowser. Speaking of, Jack Black is an inspired choice because Bowser is a turtle and Kung Fu Panda also had a turtle in it.

The third casting thought is of course Johanssonism. Everyone loves Scarlet Johansson. My favorite Japanese trans-man has never been cast in a role that didn’t suit him, and Johanssonists think it’ll be the same for Mario! 

Mamma mia, we’re already at the last school! O’Naturalists believe the best way to portray an Italian plumber is with a real, red-sauce-blooded Italian man. To find the perfect cast, O’Naturalists believe in going straight to the source: Brooklyn. Everyone remembers Mario’s famous line “I’m a walking a here!” that he yells every time he stomps a Goomba.

The important thing to remember, my paisanos, is that no matter which camp you fall into; Martinism, Devitism, being wrong, or O’Naturalism; always follow the words of Mario from the Super Mario Bros Super Show: “If you do drugs, you go to hell before you die.”