my.Whitman ups its stalking potential by listing crush’s current location

Fielding Schaefer, Writer Of Real News

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The my.Whitman portal has long been critically acclaimed across campus for its “Whitman search” function. If you’re a student attempting to recall a vaguely recognizable name that your friend is referring to, just look them up! Maybe even zoom in on their sweaty face from their first day of freshman orientation. You can even see the dorm number of where they go every afternoon to seek alone time and privacy. The college announced on Friday that they’ve added even more detailed location information, making campus stalking easier than ever. 

Whitman web developer Casey Brady lays the innovation out.

“We hacked into everyone’s phone locations for a week. Now, we can list every time that any student would walk by your residence hall, section, or even room – with accurate probabilities at each time.”

Brady and the Whitman administration hope that these new advancements will make it easier for students to pair up and find love. 

Associate Dean of Students Juli Dunn proudly exclaims, “The days of simply using my.Whitman for occasional referral to whether or not a student has a nose ring are over. Now students can know every moment when they could potentially see their crush.”

Experts estimate that it will spark relationships 233% quicker than the old-fashioned method of simply looking out your window until your crush walks by. 

Sophomore Anthony Fraser can already attest to that fact.

“I started by putting reminders in my phone for every time that that girl Marcy who works at Cleveland on weekends would walk the Douglas Hall stairs. Any time that my.Whitman listed more than a 30% chance of her appearing, I went there too. It’s amazing how many times we just happened to bump into each other after that. Now, after a few dates, we’re thinking about moving in together Junior year. I think I found my soulmate.”

Casey Brady thinks that Anthony and Marcy make a great case study, and he hopes to present his results to implement the system in other colleges, workplaces and even neighborhoods.