WCTS to hire black magic pest control to fight off my.whitman bug

Lee Thomas, Chrome user with so many fun extensions

After nearly an entire academic year of struggling with a persistent bug terrorizing Chrome and Edge browsers trying to access my.whitman.edu, Whitman College’s Technology Services (WCTS) has resorted to calling in darker forces to assist in its extermination. 

“We’ve coded in various bug repellents, virtual traps and digital swatters, but nothing seems to be doing the job,” a WCTS representative told The Wire. “We feel justified in calling in the big guns.”

“The big guns” take the form of a 362-year-old wizard with a Bachelor’s degree in Computer Science from the University of Washington. With a pointy, star-print hat and an HDMI cord wand that stiffens as magic flows through it, Sonius ex Visio is rolling up his black robe sleeves to take on the task. With over 300 years of experience with dark magic, 60 years of experience as a pest exterminator and 30 years of experience in I.T., ex Visio will begin the assignment at the start of spring break.

“I’m confident in my abilities, and I’m sure I’ll have your browser bug problem wiped out in no time,” ex Visio told The Wire. “I’ve battled bugs from apocalyptic locusts to Myrmecoleons to coding riddled with errors. I’ve got this campus covered.” 

Some faculty members and students have criticized the use of what they call “pseudoscience.” One student was quoted as saying, “Computer science is already a fake science. Now they’re relying on witchcraft? Lame.” He has since been hospitalized by a curse potentially cast by ex Visio himself in retaliation. 

When asked for comment on the situation, WCTS representatives said, “Any suspicion of responsibility by Sonius for the spell is clearly unfounded. All accusations are alleged. Any person could’ve conducted such a curse, and we have full faith that this person was not Sonius.”

Some suspect a WCTS cover-up of ex Visio’s evil wizard tendencies to keep him on staff to fight off the stubborn my.whitman bug. 

Regardless, the campus community is eager to navigate the website without having to endure switching to Safari, Firefox or, Crowley forgive, Internet Explorer.