Whitman cycling team trades bikes for skateboards in an attempt to get laid more

Maddie Ott, Eats Raw Tea Bags

Perhaps once upon a time, skintight cycling shorts and a Whitman-sponsored cycling jersey got Whitman students all flustered and up in a chatter; however, things are changing around campus, and the leadership on the cycling team can sense this. As senior captain Wiggy Leener put it, “We need attention. We need support, and cycling cannot be the lifeblood of this team anymore.”  

Apparently now, the horny students at Whitman desire to see their potential hookups in baggy pants that are big enough to fit three small children in the legs, sweatshirts with tears the size of plates and a layer of grime covering the arm and hand region. A lingering Camel cigarette in the mouth also never stopped anyone from getting laid.

As the cycling team ramps up for their 2019-20 season, leadership is looking to implement a few significant changes into how the club is run. Firstly, bong rips before every practice. Secondly, immediate clothing changes. In fact, everyone on the cycling team should be wearing clothes that are immensely unconducive to biking quickly and comfortably. No more bulgy calves out and about, shining in the sun. This season, it is all about concealing skin under oversized clothes and reducing the amount that people sweat. Finally, perhaps the most important change that the cycling team shall undergo is the systematic burning of their cycling bikes and their henceforth transition to riding skateboards. 

It will take time, dedication and careful study of skater lingo and slang. With cuts and bruises, potential lung cancer and many, many hickeys, this year’s cycling team will definitely be getting a winning advantage…in the bedroom.

Illustration by Lanh Tran