Cheez-It to release canisters of only the white cheddar dust; can be eaten or smoked

AE, Boiled Ham's Brother-in-Law

This past Friday, Cheez-It announced they would be releasing a new product in December 2018. After discovering that white cheddar Cheez-It dust that had been chemically separated from the cheese cracker was being sold on the black market by high schoolers for direct consumption and/or smoking, the corporation published a memorandum on Nov. 10, 2018 notifying the public of the upcoming release:

“Here at Cheez-It, we strive to give the people what they want. After a series of discoveries about black market sales of derivatives of our products, it is time for Cheez-It to step up and deliver the products our consumers truly want. Canisters of white cheddar Cheez-It dust will be available in its powder form, which will come with one of those edible stick things so that it can be eaten in the same manner one might eat Fun Dip, or can be rolled in paper and smoked. At this time, we are still working on a vape form.”

A Cheez-It spokeswoman did admit that the corporation has its doubts about the morality of releasing a product that encourages young people to smoke, but that they are trying to take a sort of “We’d Rather You Did It In The House” approach. When asked how many times she herself had rolled a fat white cheddar blunt, the spokeswoman did not care to comment.

Illustration by Sylvie Corwin