Whitman Wire

Cause of Death: Florida

Maddie Ott, Uncle Alligator's Famous Jambalaya

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 For students returning home this Thanksgiving break, they should be aware of a great threat that lies in the East. Lurking in the shadows of other great states such as New York and Virginia, Florida rests, patiently waiting for the absolute least opportune moment to strike.

A nightmare for the liberal citizen, Florida repeatedly strikes down political dreams and scatters the decaying corpses throughout the countryside. When hope for defeat seems possible, even in the slightest, Florida senses this hopefulness and releases their most dangerous weapon yet: Ted Cruz.

Constantly crouched in the recesses of Congress, this master of manipulation waits until the liberal public is least expecting it, and then pops in and terrifies us all. Last year Florida deployed him in their personal arsenal, and this year they thought of a new tactic, deployment abroad. Funneling financial and emotional support into his campaign he snuck into Texas and began utterly destroying. The liberals withered. They watched, clutching their chests in pain, as their television screens became infected with images of red states, all of it bubbling up from Florida’s toxic swamp water.

Heated and sweating, the liberal populous wailed in agony. They turned towards social media platforms to sooth their despair, healing their wounds and woes through chastising the American-right and calling out the flaws they see in American politics. We are at an impasse that can not be breached, somebody must do something! 

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Whitman news since 1896
Cause of Death: Florida