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BREAKING: Bon Appetit revealed to be reason why Whitman College is a D3 school

Maddie Ott, Ratatouille’s Brother-in-Law

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Starved after a strenuous practice of fitness and running, the Whitman soccer team rushes into the Cleveland Commons searching for a highly caloric and protein filled meal. Aghast at the price of one hamburger (with added bacon) the team members soon realize that they literally can not afford to buy their meals here. And the soccer team is not alone either.

Eating 10 times the amount of a normal-functioning human, the athletes at Whitman are not only athletically talented, but they are also incredible budgeteers. However, with the current pricing and portion sizes at the new dining hall, it is calculated that each athlete has to eat the same amount as a ten-year-old child if they want their flex dollars to last until the end of the semester.

Lacking basic nutritional components in their diets, their athletic performances spiraled into a cycle of deterioration. Esteemed athletes on the basketball team and tennis team could barely even hold the balls in their hands, and members of the swim team would start sinking once they began thinking about the water.

With smaller portions and higher prices, it became obvious that the reason athletic performances were crumbling was that of the $150 hamburgers and the extra sides that cost $15 each.

Now, hopeless and filled with despair, all the athletes can do is stumble about the dining hall and stare longingly at thick slices of chicken and pork, a bowl of $12.29 cereal in their hands.

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BREAKING: Bon Appetit revealed to be reason why Whitman College is a D3 school